Kerry

Hi,

Here's a situation that is a typical pattern in my marriage.

My husband said something to me today like, "I guess if you have time to do that (doesn't matter what I was doing), I'm not keeping you busy enough." This is part of a joke b/c we're building a house right now and he's taking the lead on the building and I'm the helper. Also, I'm currently unemployed, so he has jokingly said to people (and I've said similar things and maybe even started a version of the joke) that he's going to keep me so busy that I'll want to get a job quickly.

I'm not the lazy type, in fact, I'm super hard on myself. I'm also pretty burned out (probably b/c I have trouble saying no). But, I feel a bit like this joke is getting a little old. We've said it to friends, but I don't feel like it is a really great way to present ourselves as a couple. It just doesn't seem to present us as equals.

Now, I know this is partially my issue b/c I don't like to be told what to do or controlled and my husband tends to be a bit controlling (not overly so, but enough). And, I'm really tough on myself about being productive. But, when he said the above comment today I told him (in a way that I thought was pretty benign) that I didn't really like that joke anymore.

As soon as I said something, he deflated and got a look of rejection. Maybe it isn't rejection, maybe he's frustrated b/c I changed the rules on him (it was ok to say it before, now I'm asking him to give it a rest). But, now he's sleeping b/c I'm sure he feels all sucked out by our exchange. It really wasn't that emotionally charged for me, I just said that I really didn't think it was that funny on an on-going basis. What he hears is very different. He hears a b*tch.

I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to have to listen to things that I don't think are that funny any longer. I could be a bit sensitive. I feel very sad that I don't have career direction right now (note I do keep really busy with building our house). But, I don't think I was being a b*tch about it. I just don't seem to be able to talk with him without him thinking I'm a b*tch.

The reason I come here looking for perspective is that I don't trust my own sense of what is fair in a relationship. I've put up with some really heavy stuff in the past and I don't want to do that again. I know my husband is a good guy, but I think I have a tendency to put up with too much and stay the one who is uncomfortable in a relationship. Or, am I really just a b*tch? Nobody else who knows me would ever think I am a b*tchy person. I think my hubby has a filter b/c his mother was controlling and always finding something to b*tch about.

Thanks for any perspective,
Kerry