reddevilmary

Hi,

For the past two months we are arguing all the time. I believe some of it is ME....you know, sometimes you just know when you are being unreasonable and yet you continue....however I feel so JUSTIFIED and RIGHT when I get angry and upset, but when we calm down, finally, and discuss things, I start to wonder logically, why am I getting so upset? In the moment I do not hear that warning bell telling me I am being unreasonable, I feel fully justified....LOL

I am resentful. I tell myself to let things go, and yet I am unable to follow through.

I can identify TWO things that have happened in our lives that coincide with the increased arguing. One I don't feel really has much bearing, and the other I believe has a lot to do with it.

About two years ago my hubby had a 'mid life' crisis in which he told me that he wanted to spice up our sex life because it suddenly hit him that 'this was it!' He wasn't going to cheat, so anything that he was going to experience from here on out in life was going to have to be with me and my participation.

Let me tell you, I felt tremendous pressure to do more, be more, participate more, stretch my horizons. Ultimately this has led us down a path of me being pushed beyond my comfort zone....'playing' with another woman and then another couple. Over the holidays (here recently) he actually had intercourse with the other woman of the couple after I left the room, even though I made it very clear that I was going to 'take care of him' when he joined me. I guess I wasn't very clear...

Anyway, I feel partly responsible for what occurred because I left the room...what was I thinking? Right. So we've discussed this and I have only really brought it up one time, although I do on occasion think about it and get ticked off, I try really hard not to let on that I'm thinking about it.

I do believe that this is the icing on the cake so to speak....the straw that broke the camel's back.....so anytime I feel unappreciated (start getting resentful) my thought process is: "look at all this stuff I've done FOR HIM in the name of keeping our marriage good for both of us, stuff that I would probably never do without some prompting...."

I know, I know, I should have never done ANY of it unless I was 100% comfortable with it, but I really really didn't want to let him down. And that's where it gets so bad....I did it for that very reason, and yet I'm not getting any credit for it. Why do I feel like I need credit??????? Shouldn't his happiness be enough?

See...part of it is that I was dragging my feet about the whole thing...we would have opportunities to 'play' with this other couple, and I would chicken out. AND THEN he would get mad at me for being such a chicken....and yet he can't figure out why I feel like I did this more for him than for me?

Maybe it's not all me, but I can't undo the past, and I can't continue to feel angry and resentful.

I think I'm just tired of giving. Isn't that awful? I simply have no more tolerance, no more desire to let it 'slide off my back'....

Help. I want a good marriage, I want to be happy, and yet I seem to be stuck, resentful, intolerant

.....thanks...--Red