AfterItStorms

Hi all,

I just found this forum last night, and it was a like wave of relief. Maybe those of you with experience can shed some light. I've really made a mess of my life. A sh** storm is an understatement. Been married 10 years, one daughter age 10. I'm the cheater, for about the last 9mths. I read the book "Not just friends" and I suppose I'm a typical case. Met the guy at work, started out small, you know coffee, lunch, then gym after work..ect.It was definitely an emotional connection before anything else, then turned physical. My husband found out when the OM called my cell, but i didnt have it, H did. OM spilled all the beans, and well, i'm sure you guys know how it goes from there.

H and I are still living in the same house, long story, but it's been ok. After he found out, I wouldn't quit seeing OM, even though H forgave me, and was begging me to work it out. I thought I loved OM. I should say, i've got serious issues unresolved issues from childhood, and OM has borderline personality disorder; the relationship was like an addiction (the therapist tells me). I sought out a therapist before the affair was revealed bc I was going crazy inside. Anyway, the affair cost me my job, we were both "reassigned" when the OM started harassing me at work, because I cut off outside contact with him. He "rages", and when he does, it's like a hurricane of insults, threats, ect..and then it passes, and it's amazing, he's loving, ect...i know how this must sound. it's crazy, and obviously no one in their right mind would leave a good marriage for this.

I've finally taken my therapist's advice and gotten some distance from OM. it's not been no-contact, but very close. She says I cannot see how bad this is, when I'm living so chaotically. And she was right. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I can't barely function without crying at the pain I've caused. H is a good man. We didn't have a perfect, or even near perfect marriage, but no one deserves what i've done. I don't know if I still love him, or if I ever truly did, but we've spent 12 years together-12 years of holidays, moves across the country, birth of our child, vacations ect..a third of our lives together. He's a good person and an amazing father.

When this all came out, H and I agreed to stay in this house and divorce when we move back to CA, we are in TX for work for another yr. I"m fairly certain, from things H has said and done, he would be willing to try and work things out, although neither of us has directly spoken of it. How can I bring this up? Our communication has always been very poor, so I don't know to go about this. We can chat about movies, entertainment, ect.. but when it comes to anything personal, anything with feelings, we just can't, or have never, gone there. I think that's what is making complete no-contact with OM so difficult. If i don't have him, I literally have not one other person who understands me, and who I can open up to. I just need some advice, any kind you have, I can, and need to take it. I'm fairly sure this is rock bottom, so I can only go up from here.