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The Non-Communicator

15K views 64 replies 27 participants last post by  endlessgrief 
#1 ·
How do you communicate with a non-communicator? At times when there are issues, I want to talk through it, but my husband refuses to speak. He just sits there and listens but will not say a word, which infuriates me more. I've begged and pleaded with him to just speak and communicate, but he is just the type who is not a talker, and especially does not like to talk about his feelings. It does seem that when there is an issue or I am mad, he prefers that I just leave him alone for a day or two. I really hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only way to get past an issue or argument.
 
#2 ·
I have asked Hubs to write it out.

We have had some of the best conversations while working in the yard together.

Sometimes I tell him what's on my mind and that I'd like to talk about it later. That gives him time to think about what he feels. It seems to help.
 
#3 ·
In my case I found that he seemed to talk more and open up the more I acted like I didn't care and didn't want to talk...Not saying it will work in your case, but you could give it a shot. I didn't make it a show of "I don't care" either, I just said Ok, or something like that, and walked away, of course after a certain point I really didn't care anymore so there was no acting involved. Point of the story, he talks more now than he used to....
 
#4 ·
Thank you both for the tips. I am new to this site and I think it is going to be very helpful. And GreenEyes, I have kind of noticed that when I act like I don't care and don't want to talk, he does open up more. It's like the more I push to talk, the more he ignores me.
 
#6 ·
A 2x4 might do the trick.

sometime I clam up if I've already told her many times and she just dosn't hear it she will do something that she thinks will help but not the thing i told her would help.

my wife like to do things for me when I'm angey at her. like look I cut the grass for ya. or hey I got you a case of beer, or I raked the leaves. none of that stuff I asked her to do and most times its not up to snuff. but if I said listen baby I love you with all my heart but cutting the grass for me is not an apology and besides you just break the tractor everytime you use it. so I'd rather you just keep the f of it.

that would go over like a lead balloon so i say nothing.

so maybe he has comunicated with you and you refuse to hear it.so now hes in shut down mode...whats the use you will just keep doing what you think is going to fix the problem.
 
#7 ·
My husband and I have a real problem communicating at times because he prefers to avoid confrontation at all cost. We recently went through a really rough time and had no choice but to do a lot of talking, and I think he finally sees that I see "avoiding confrontation" as not caring enough to work on our issues. It had to get pretty bad for him to see that though.
 
#56 ·
I had to look and see if I wrote this, as this is us! We are working hard on it though. I was feeling bad the other night, (too long of a story) and in an effort to communicate better, I just talked about what was bothering me, and my h said, I feel like you are attacking me, well I told him that I had to be able to tell him what was wrong, and that I was in no way attacking. He said he needs to start seeing it that way, instead of getting instantly defensive. A never ending battle is what it is~
 
#9 ·
It's always been this way. There are rare occassions when he will communicate. When I tell him how it makes me feel, he just says that I need to leave it alone and give us each time to cool down rather than me wanting to talk about things immediately. However, after a cool down period, he wants to just act like nothing happened rather than discuss the issue. Also, when he does talk, he's always just very defensive.
 
#12 ·
Same here, and I tried to explain to him that ignoring the problem and acting like it never happened does not make it go away. They don't understand that if you don't address the problem it just comes back, and usually worse each time. Since I haven't been pushing my husband to talk to me, and we have talked more often when there is a problem, the problems are becoming less and less, gee could we have been right all along??? haha
 
#13 ·
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

My wife is this way. I used to think she was cool, cause it seemed nothing bothered her. But, now...I realize she just internalizes everything. She never wanted to talk about issues. Did the same thing the OP describes...sits there, looking down at the floor...never saying a word. I would always wind up walking away in dismay. I'm the complete opposite....I NEED to discuss things. If you don't nip this in the bud.....you will wind up where I am now. I agree with the idea of trying to write letters. Hopefully he will respond. Good luck! MC is also a VERY good idea.
 
#21 ·
Me too..Except my H has taken his avoidance to an all new level. We've gone through a lot in the last year..so now when an argument or even discussion starts about something not happy he goes for a walk. It doesn't matter that its 12am and it's 15 degrees out. It doesn't matter if he has been drinking or sick. And he's not walking around the block-He goes really far on our unlighted bike trail which is next to a river. I have expressed my concern for his safety over and over again but alas his need to get away from the confrontation outweighs common sense :(

H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?

When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever :(
 
#23 ·
H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?

When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever :(
Because when you were friends and just dating there were no real big life problems for you guys to face together. If there was a problem it was something light. When the relationship grows and turns into a lifelong commitment with finances and kids and work thrown in the mix it gets too complicated. They believe that by sweeping it under the rug it's gone, and since they can do that and forget about it, why can't we? That's how they work, but it's frustrating that they can't see that is not how we work. I have told my H that I will meet him halfway with the communication thing if he will meet me, but he didn't want to do it, it's like it's their way or no way (He has since changed and now he does try to meet me halfway and our relationship is growing so much).
 
#22 ·
Well...talk about avoidance...here's the letter I left for my wife yesterday morning: My Last Attempt Letter

I know she read it. She came home, last night....ate the meal I made, sat on the sofa with the girls...then went to bed. Spoke to me a half dozen times about kids stuff. NEVER said a word about the letter. She avoids ANYTHING about the relationship, issues, feelings, wants/needs, etc. I've been dealing with this the entire marriage. Wish I'd found a solution to it years ago....we might be happy right now. Instead....I have to look waaaaaay up....just to see Hell. :)
 
#25 ·
I have a non-communicative hubby as well.

I give up. Can't be bothered wasting my time and energy on him.

We pretty much communicate via e-mail. If my questions didn't piss him off, I'll get a reply. If something put him on the defensive or it was something he didn't care to discuss - I won't get an answer.

I NEVER know his plans, and quite frankly, don't care now.

We live as friends - "domestic partnership". Separate rooms, separate money, basically separate lives - now ... if he'd just leave, all would be wonderful.
 
#29 ·
Bella Boo

As a guy, I want to give you my opinion on your non communicator.

I am the type of guy who can talk to anyone anytime 24/7. However, when I am mad I clam up and sometimes it takes me a couple days to settle down. I clam up because I do not want to say something to my wife I will regret. It is the heat of the momment type of thing.

On the flip side. If my wife is mad and looses her cool with me I also clam up. Knowing I may say something to piss her off more. I let her cool down for a day sometimes two and approach me.

At this point she will say. "if I do not start talking we will never talk" Then I start talking.

My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.

Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.

Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.
 
#30 ·
Bella Boo
My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.

Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.

Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.
I think her point is, is that he never gets around to talking about it....he takes that cool down period and then doesn't want to bring that situation back up to talk about it, so it goes unresolved...
 
#31 ·
My hubby NEVER talks.

Mad or not, I'd never know - he may as well be mute. Seriously.

He claims he was in his prior marriage for 6 years with a woman who didn't communicate so he's used to it. I don't buy that crap - he's been with me for 6 years - people change.

I could care less if he talks - I'm really not interested in anything he has to say anyway.

We've been trying to resolve a "money issue" since 2008 - because he won't talk about it, it will never get resolved. I keep bringing it up and it hits a dead end. It's been 3 years of this shi* - never resolving anything!

He left this morning to go to his parents to celebrate Christmas with them - I thought he was supposed to go yesterday. So said he, and so said the calender and so said his father who called yesterday to see where he was. Seems HE decided to go today and not tell anyone.

I recall a Saturday morning he got all dressed up in a suit and when I said "where are you going" he said "Uh, to Todd's wedding, you coming?" Needless to say, he went alone.
 
#32 ·
My hubby NEVER talks.

Mad or not, I'd never know - he may as well be mute. Seriously.

He claims he was in his prior marriage for 6 years with a woman who didn't communicate so he's used to it. I don't buy that crap - he's been with me for 6 years - people change.

I could care less if he talks - I'm really not interested in anything he has to say anyway.
Have you guys tried MC, would he try MC?? I know when me and my H were having the same problem he said no way to MC...Idk it just sucks to see people miserable in their lives because of a SO, that's not what love and marriage is supposed to be like :(
 
#33 ·
GreenEyes - we've tried it but I'm so done with this it's not worth it.

I feel sorry for myself that I have never and likely will never experience a great marriage. My siblings have been married forever, my parents forever - certainly not without struggles but they still care for one another - sadly, I care very little for my hubby. I care for him as a human being, but I do not love him whatsoever.

Sad eh?
 
#34 ·
It is :( Is divorce not an option for you? Because I know going through a divorce and having to learn to live on your own financially, although that may not be a problem in your case, would be hard, but if you know things with your H will not get better, you could at least have a chance at finding somebody that will make you happy....
 
#35 ·
I have only recently married for the first time (later in life). I just turned 50. (I failed to listen to my gut).

I am used to being on my own as I was for 46 years. That's doesn't scare me. I don't WANT to be alone going into old age, but so be it. I have family, I have a son.

Financially we can't afford to divorce - he'd be homeless and I'd be close to it. It's a very long story, one I need to seek financial advise on. Suffice it to say it was my investment in this home - and we argue over it continually and it never gets resolved.

We live as "friends", and it's tolerable - he's younger than I and deserves to be in a healthy relationship. I could care less about that for me as I don't desire intimacy.

It's odd.
 
#42 ·
Jellybeans - we speak, but have never had a good conversation without him getting pissed off or reading more into the conversation than what is there.

He asked last nite if I wanted to order in pizza for dinner, I said I wasn't bothered, didn't care one way or another what we ate and he says "fuc*, I was just asking - jeez". I said it in a normal tone of voice, meant nothing other than the fact that I didn't have a preference as to what we had for dinner.

Drives me mad
 
#43 ·
Kat...I hate to say this...but I think I'd be bothered if my SO said "I wasn't bothered, didn't care one way or another what we ate". I don't know the tone that was used...but total indifference can come across as cold, with the wrong tone. I may be missing something....but I dont' see his response as awful. I may be flamed for saying this. You also say you've been by yourself for 46 years. Does that have anything to do with how you guys communicate? Please don't get angry over my questions, but I could see how a completely independent attitude might slant the way two people interact. Just thinking out loud here.
 
#45 ·
My husband has severe difficulty communicating. His social skills are atrocious and sometimes hubby won't even look new people in the eye.

I told him that while I accept his introversion, it doesn't make sense to live with someone who cannot even make conversation. After all, humans need some form of verbal exchange is they are in a relationship.

So when I want to discuss something important with my husband, I ask him a lot of questions. He is more comfortable with communicating by answering whatever I ask. Open ended questions result in the most through answers, as opposed to yes or no.

Your husband is behaving as though he lives alone. Marriage counseling would be a good first step.
 
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