Originally Posted by DailyGrind
Thanks, Halien. Yes....I started off last year, when she went cold. Then re-emerged this year, when the EA started up. I guess the issue is that since...this whole relationship has been escalating out of control. I don't know what is happening...and it seems like an out of control buggy, heading for a cliff. Reading more and more on these forums, I now wonder if the reason for her going cold (2 years ago) was because of a different EA...and this "list" of grievances is nothing more than blameshifting. The only evidence I could find of SOMTHING going on at work, was the VAR finding her talking to someone (work related...it appeared) on her drives home...but NOT with HER phone. I agree.....the bulk of the "list" seems petty..with exception of her issues with my tone. THAT I can work on. And the majority of it was YEARS ago. I mean...the karoke was before we were even married. I sold the boat in 2003. The dog was three years ago.
So...she is either harboring serious resentments over small things, because she just doesn't communicate with me. Or...there is an A, and she is grasping at things to justify. I can't tell.
The thing about my "tone" issues....I KNOW that for every time I might have responded to her with "nastiness"....there had to be any number of other times where I agreed with her...and accepted her comments. It just seems that this SHOULD be workable....but we will see....hopefully. Really comes back to if she is having an A, or not. Thanks for the reply.
Through the years, before the EA, the more appropriate question, in my opinion, was in whether or not she was actively working to make the marriage good. Some of the comments about her make it seem like she could be a person who merely coasts, expecting the other person to provide the spark for the types of feelings to keep the relationship strong. Some other posters have advised ways that you could provide that spark, but that doesn't get her off the hook for needing to be actively working, for her part, on the relationship. You've admitted to letting things distract you in the past. That's good. If the two of you give each other a chance, you can learn from this and be the person she needs. Still, what's been missing from the story, in my opinion, is whether SHE has ever understood what it means to actively work to foster a strong marriage. She comes across as a person who naturally withdraws, but there really isn't enough here to judge. For all of our own marital problems, my wife has still done a really good job of letting go of trivial differences, understanding that they weren't intentional hurts. She also knows that each of us must look inward, to our own lack of trying, when we feel that the relationship is struggling. So, since this was a thread about her EA, I wouldn't even expect these types of relationship ideals to be discussed, but it becomes very relevant going forward, if the two of you choose to work on it.
To try to be clearer - if she doesn't know how to work to build a mutually satisfying relationship, then anything you do to make her happy will only be temporary. Its not uncommon, I suspect, for those who are drawn to EAs and PAs to be the type of person who doesn't really understand their own responsibilities in fostering a deep, permanent relationship. They expect the feelings to be provided by another at all times, and don't see the linkage to forgiving, and working hard to connect to the one they are married to in the dry spells. Our pre-marital counselor was an imposing, determined Comanchee native american. I'm half-blood, decended from a tribe that assimilated early, so our relationship was a bit quirky. Still, the thing that he told us, which has always stuck with me, is that if I think that the marriage is troubled, then I should look inward, and judge myself, then fix myself before even thinking about her faults. Your wife chose to try to find this spark from another, instead of looking inward.