Still not over it
A year ago, I caught my live in boyfriend of 3 years cheating, at the time, our relationship was in excellent shape. Prior to finding out he cheated communication and sex was great. We seemed to always enjoy eachothers company and we both gave eachother space socialize outside of our relationship. One would think our relationship was as close to perfect as it could get, so why cheat? He was home every night and continued to treat me well, attentive, loving, and we always had the best time together. I always trusted him, he is in the military and is deployed for long periods at a time but even when he's away from home I never found a reason to suspect he was capable of cheating. One night he was taking a shower and got a text message from another woman, the message was "I miss you". I immediately knew he was cheating but he denied it right away. Later that night I cracked his email and found messages confirming my suspicions. I confronted him again and he admitted the truth.
Needless to say I was devasted and confused because I can honestly say that we were "happy". Before this we NEVER had a single disagreement. I asked him why, and if there was something lacking at home, he said no. He told me his cheating had nothing to do with what I did or didn't do. He said he couldn't explain why he did it except to say he was just being selfish.
I chose to stay with him with the hope that we could rebuild the trust that was lost. He has lived a transparent life since and appears to being doing everything he can to regain my trust, but I just can't move past the cheating. I've been down this road before and never has it had the impact that his cheating has had on me.
So now it's a year later and I'm not the same woman I was. He constantly tells me that I don't love him like I used to. A week ago, he broke down sobbing, saying again how sorry he was hurting me and our relationship and he just wants me to love him like I did. I do love him but it's different. I still have flash backs and I still feel as hurt today as I did one year ago. We were planning on marrying and now marriage isn't something I look forward to. His cheating has changed me and I don't like the person I've become. I'm constantly trying to catch him again, spying on him and I hate it. I know I need to speak to someone professionally and I plan to do so. I guess I just needed to vent to you all today.
I've talked to others who have experienced the same and they say it gets better, it just takes time. I've given it a year and I still can't move past, how much time does it take?
I'm almost 40 and the thought of dating again exhausts me. Here I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life, in what I thought was best relationship I've ever had, but still I get hurt. I honestly don't think I'm capable of trusting any man after this.
|