Originally Posted by SecondTimesTheCharm
Interesting topic and discussion!
This is something I have concerns with, as I survived first marriage without any children, thankfully, but will most likely be a first time dad at 40 or 41 years old with my second wife who is in her early 30's and whose clock is ticking LOUDLY.
I fear about how much intimacy will be lost as a result.
I fear about how much weight she will gain and whether or not I will want a second child if she doesn't first take off the weight gain from the first child.
To my wife, "life does not begin" until parenthood but I feel as if I've lived a very full life and experienced so much without yet having children. Being childless does allow one to enjoy a lot of freedom and when I hear of a married couple with children being out on a "date night" that kind of makes me cringe because, for the moment, date night for my wife and I is, in fact, whenever we want it to be and at least a couple nights a week, as opposed to one or two times a month.
With that said, however, I do think that emotionally we are prepared for parenthood, although, financially, I wish we were in a better place and that worries me, as every month seems a struggle just to pay the mortgage but we are not yet ready to throw in the towel and sell the home, although doing so would allow us a little breathing room as we could lease a similar home for significantly less...but who knows when we'd be ready to buy another home as it is not like we'd end up with enough leftover for a down payment on another home...had to refi the house to payoff the ex-wife, unfortunately.
Charm: your concerns are very valid. You need to have some VERY specific disussions w/ your wife.
Is she going to go back to work after the kids? Can't tell you how many men I know where the wife gauranteed that she would go back to work after the kids. Guess what. Kids came along and wife didn't go back to work. Nothing wrong with that except that the husbands are furious. But now are powerless. Even after the kids are in school the wives are not working. Bait and switch.
Find out how your wife will accomodate you sexually after kids. Do you want it once, twice, 3 times / week? You better make that deal very specific so that you can hold her to it. Before everyone flames me, yes, I know, she's tired, kids are demanding, etc etc. But after a reasonable timeframe your original agreement should be valid. and you have every right to ask for what you want.
Before the first kid, we agreed that she would go back to work. She did. Before the 2nd kid, I told my wife that I would not change diapers. I would rather not have another one if I had to do diapers. Guess what. I did not do diapers. Oh sure if I were home alone with the kids, I did change them. But if my wife was available she had to do it. There was no resentment on her part because she knew in advance what the deal was.
Bottom line, figure out specifically what you need to have your sanity post kids, BEFORE you have the kids. If you don't ask in advance you are asking for trouble.