| | Re: Sharing feelings vs manning up
I feel compelled to chime in here. I am dingerdad's fWW. And reading this thread my brain is spinning.
I am seeing what you are writing about your tough days and I totally recognize those in Dinger. Even trying to hide them and not bring them up to her, I can almost guarentee she is getting the message loud and clear without a spoken word between you.
As for being unsure as to whether to bring up those feelings with her because you are worried it will upset her already unstable mood in the rocky road of recovery. I am a roller coaster of emotions, have been my whole life and i beat myself up everyday for the poor choices I have made in the last year. I can be laughing, chatting with customers at work or on the phone one moment and the next hopping up to close my office door cuz I cant hold the tears back. But I know that I did this to our marriage, so if dinger is having bad days i need him to open up to me regardless of how bad the punch in my gut will be. If you and your WW are both commited to fixing your marriage and growing stronger through this, then she needs to hear what is bothering you. It will hurt her but she laid a world of hurt on you that you didnt ask for so she better put her big girl panties on and do whatever it takes to help you heal. I know dinger has held back on me at times when he sees me getting dragged down under my guilt but all I have to do is look around at "our world" and I know it is worth every ounce of my energy to help us onto a better path.
My 2 cents on her attraction to "men of that body type" is that it was girly talk and prob just a bit of her defense on justifing what she did to others and herself. The OM in my life was complete opposite of dinger in everyway. And really not like anyone else I had been with in my entire life. Part of why I should have clued into how screwed up I was in the fog. She may say she is attracted to that "type" but being attracted to and actually pursueing them is totally different. In situations such as all of ours on here, the OP is a drug! Her saying, "every time she sees him she just has to have him".
Do you think that a heroine addict says, "Well I dont want that drug cuz its in a red syringe"? They dont care what the heck it comes in, size, shape, color, build or anything. They just want the high that comes from being with it. That is what she feels. Its not his build or yours that she is attracted to, it is so much different than that. YOu need to try stop thinking about comparing yourself to the OM, you will find little if anything in common. He was involved in almost breaking a home up, you, I hope, are NOTHING like that, physically and mentally.
So I guess what I am saying is, if your wife loves you and is 100% commited to healing the hurt she has caused and is commited to love you and only you from here on in, then be open with her. Stop fretting about body types and superficial things, concentrate on why you guys fell in love in the 1st place and find where it all went sideways and fix it.
I hope I worded this all okay because I do tend to word things in ways I read different than others but I really did want to encourage you to open up to your wife, it will hurt but she will survive and if you both want it bad enough, you will be okay!
And definately check out the other site, Marriage Builders. dingerdad was right, my eyes got opened a few times. I didnt want to watch them, as I knew they wud say some stuff I really didnt want to hear or awknowledge but I am glad I have now. And I will continue to.
Good luck to you friend.