Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Approaching OW after it is over

I_Will_Survive · 01-05-2012, 11:25 PM

Hi. I have posted before but not often. I came on tonight and tried to catch up but each thread makes me more sad than the last. It has been a few hours but it never ends, and that may be the saddest thing of all.

Anyway, here is my story in [very] brief: Toward the end of September I realized my husband was lying to me about where he goes on business trips, that in fact he's been going to the same place every time [from flight schedules] but lying.

Before that, he'd been denying me sex for a year (and before that it was over 6 months), plus was very negative about me and our relationship. Plus I suspect but can't prove that he contracted an STD and never told me about it, which is why he was denying me sex - he didn't want to get reinfected.

In October he went away again, clearly lying about everything. I tried hiring a PI but the way I set it up, they found nothing. (I told them where I thought he was going, but I was wrong. They did, however, prove he couldn't possibly be going where he said he was going. So not where I thought, but not where he said, either.)

When he came to me at the end of the month and said he was going away yet again, I flipped. I went to his boss and said he was screwing around on company time and funds, hoping they'd put a stop to him. No such luck.

After that I did the unthinkable: I went into his computer. He has a password-protected macbook and iphone, and someone from this site told me how to start the computer in "target" mode so I could access his files. (You know who you are

)

Found a whole bunch of porn (old news - he'd actually had an online EA in 2004, swore off it, but had been dabbling in porn again for years and would get angry if I felt that wasn't OK -- "Everybody does it!") ("Well, hey, not everybody won't sleep with their wife, and maybe if you didn't have the porn you might choose me once in a while!" But I digress.)

Anyway, amongst the porn were a bunch of pics of someone else's kids. Kids are not porn. Kids are a relationship.

It wasn't till November that I learned how to make a clone of his computer, and I wasted 5 weeks trying to crack the password so I could access his email and browser, which is where I was sure most of the issues were happening.

In December, he went away somewhere else and I making a new password (what you can see without access to the "keychains' is just mind-blowing!) (I risked it because I could always take a new clone while he was away) and saw in his emails that he was already seeing a new woman, more local, and using a fake name to do it. So much good going to his boss did me....

So. That was then. Anyway....

I've gone back endlessly over what I've found in his computer, ie, those kids. I have one picture of one kid, wherein he holds up a certificate he earned, and (I wish I had zoomed in before but) on it is his name.

Then, when searching the kid's name on facebook, I find not only him but his whole family, everyone in the pics, including his mother's name (not her pics.) From there it's nothing to find her LinkedIn profile, and her work address, everything. Seems she is divorced, so she is not cheating on anyone, and from what I read in the emails to my husband's NEW girlfriend, he lies not only about his marital status but even his name.

So the question is (or many questions are...) this:

Do I go to this woman and try and get information from her? If so, how do I go about this? If DH has been telling her his point of view all along, she may already think I am pond-scum and don't deserve help. If he's told her nothing, that he's not even married, I wouldn't know where to start.

Oh! I forgot to tell you! DH is completely denying any wrongdoing, claims I am crazy. Swears up, down and center that he is the ultimate God-fearing son to his parents, and husband to me. I have not told anyone that I've gone into his computer -- I'm forced to live with him for a few more months and he is difficult enough as it is.

But he's trying to claim that I shouldn't get spousal support (he makes $150,000/year!), that I shouldn't be entitled to the kids (fair enough, only one is young enough to be a custody issue by the time we file, but I still would like to live with those that are still home, and think he should give support.)

My in-laws of course believe that he could never do what I accuse him of, and that I'm fabricating this whole thing. Sadly, they control all the money and thus the decisions in our family.

So the question is, should I confront the woman I have found, even though I'm 99% sure the relationship is over? And if so, what would I even say to her to get her to be honest with me? I would LOVE a video statement that they had a PA.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts you may have.
_IWS

01-05-2012, 11:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
I_Will_Survive Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 96	Approaching OW after it is over - good idea? or bad? Hi. I have posted before but not often. I came on tonight and tried to catch up but each thread makes me more sad than the last. It has been a few hours but it never ends, and that may be the saddest thing of all. Anyway, here is my story in [very] brief: Toward the end of September I realized my husband was lying to me about where he goes on business trips, that in fact he's been going to the same place every time [from flight schedules] but lying. Before that, he'd been denying me sex for a year (and before that it was over 6 months), plus was very negative about me and our relationship. Plus I suspect but can't prove that he contracted an STD and never told me about it, which is why he was denying me sex - he didn't want to get reinfected. In October he went away again, clearly lying about everything. I tried hiring a PI but the way I set it up, they found nothing. (I told them where I thought he was going, but I was wrong. They did, however, prove he couldn't possibly be going where he said he was going. So not where I thought, but not where he said, either.) When he came to me at the end of the month and said he was going away yet again, I flipped. I went to his boss and said he was screwing around on company time and funds, hoping they'd put a stop to him. No such luck. After that I did the unthinkable: I went into his computer. He has a password-protected macbook and iphone, and someone from this site told me how to start the computer in "target" mode so I could access his files. (You know who you are ) Found a whole bunch of porn (old news - he'd actually had an online EA in 2004, swore off it, but had been dabbling in porn again for years and would get angry if I felt that wasn't OK -- "Everybody does it!") ("Well, hey, not everybody won't sleep with their wife, and maybe if you didn't have the porn you might choose me once in a while!" But I digress.) Anyway, amongst the porn were a bunch of pics of someone else's kids. Kids are not porn. Kids are a relationship. It wasn't till November that I learned how to make a clone of his computer, and I wasted 5 weeks trying to crack the password so I could access his email and browser, which is where I was sure most of the issues were happening. In December, he went away somewhere else and I making a new password (what you can see without access to the "keychains' is just mind-blowing!) (I risked it because I could always take a new clone while he was away) and saw in his emails that he was already seeing a new woman, more local, and using a fake name to do it. So much good going to his boss did me.... So. That was then. Anyway.... I've gone back endlessly over what I've found in his computer, ie, those kids. I have one picture of one kid, wherein he holds up a certificate he earned, and (I wish I had zoomed in before but) on it is his name. Then, when searching the kid's name on facebook, I find not only him but his whole family, everyone in the pics, including his mother's name (not her pics.) From there it's nothing to find her LinkedIn profile, and her work address, everything. Seems she is divorced, so she is not cheating on anyone, and from what I read in the emails to my husband's NEW girlfriend, he lies not only about his marital status but even his name. So the question is (or many questions are...) this: Do I go to this woman and try and get information from her? If so, how do I go about this? If DH has been telling her his point of view all along, she may already think I am pond-scum and don't deserve help. If he's told her nothing, that he's not even married, I wouldn't know where to start. Oh! I forgot to tell you! DH is completely denying any wrongdoing, claims I am crazy. Swears up, down and center that he is the ultimate God-fearing son to his parents, and husband to me. I have not told anyone that I've gone into his computer -- I'm forced to live with him for a few more months and he is difficult enough as it is. But he's trying to claim that I shouldn't get spousal support (he makes $150,000/year!), that I shouldn't be entitled to the kids (fair enough, only one is young enough to be a custody issue by the time we file, but I still would like to live with those that are still home, and think he should give support.) My in-laws of course believe that he could never do what I accuse him of, and that I'm fabricating this whole thing. Sadly, they control all the money and thus the decisions in our family. So the question is, should I confront the woman I have found, even though I'm 99% sure the relationship is over? And if so, what would I even say to her to get her to be honest with me? I would LOVE a video statement that they had a PA. Thank you in advance for any thoughts you may have. _IWS Last edited by I_Will_Survive; 01-05-2012 at 11:59 PM.