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Beowulf · 01-10-2012, 09:04 AM

After my wife ended her affair and we were trying to fix our marriage I was really bottling up my emotions and waiting for her to screw up so I could leave her with a clear conscience. Guess what? Other than a few minor missteps she held the course. Did I appreciate her efforts? Did I respect her willingness to do the heavy lifting? NO

I got frustrated and unleashed a tidal wave of hate and venom that still has me shaking my head to this day. I reduced my remorseful wife to a quivering pile of fear. It was only after I looked at her shaking lying on the floor that I came to my senses. I said and did the most hurtful things you could ever imagine.

Did I mean it? After all...I said it. Did I mean it?

Sometimes people say things they don't mean. You are holding your wife accountable for some things that were said when she was in her fog. If everybody held everybody accountable for every word that was ever said what would the world be like? Would there ever be any marital reconciliations if every WS was strictly held to what they said while in the fog? Have you never said anything to anyone and regretted it later? Like I said I think you are having a problem forgiving her and if that is the case then move on. But do so understanding that she is trying to repair the marriage and you aren't able to forgive her. Don't hold some arbitrary crossing of some imagined line in the sand to be the reason.

Your wife is grasping at straws trying to find a way to repair her relationship with you. You are demanding answers but you are not giving her the time necessary to find the correct ones. Consequently she is throwing explanations against the wall in the hopes that one will stick and you will forgive her. Hasn't she already switched therapists because you felt she wasn't making progress quickly enough? It sounds to me like she is doing all she can on her own to try to repair the marriage but she isn't getting any help from you. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive her then reconciliation will not happen. But don't make it out to be her fault if you don't stay together. It is completely her fault for the A but not for all of the marital problems before the A and certainly not for this.

01-10-2012, 09:04 AM	#248 (permalink)
Beowulf Banned Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 2,165	Re: Lesbian/Bi/Serial... oh my After my wife ended her affair and we were trying to fix our marriage I was really bottling up my emotions and waiting for her to screw up so I could leave her with a clear conscience. Guess what? Other than a few minor missteps she held the course. Did I appreciate her efforts? Did I respect her willingness to do the heavy lifting? NO I got frustrated and unleashed a tidal wave of hate and venom that still has me shaking my head to this day. I reduced my remorseful wife to a quivering pile of fear. It was only after I looked at her shaking lying on the floor that I came to my senses. I said and did the most hurtful things you could ever imagine. Did I mean it? After all...I said it. Did I mean it? Sometimes people say things they don't mean. You are holding your wife accountable for some things that were said when she was in her fog. If everybody held everybody accountable for every word that was ever said what would the world be like? Would there ever be any marital reconciliations if every WS was strictly held to what they said while in the fog? Have you never said anything to anyone and regretted it later? Like I said I think you are having a problem forgiving her and if that is the case then move on. But do so understanding that she is trying to repair the marriage and you aren't able to forgive her. Don't hold some arbitrary crossing of some imagined line in the sand to be the reason. Your wife is grasping at straws trying to find a way to repair her relationship with you. You are demanding answers but you are not giving her the time necessary to find the correct ones. Consequently she is throwing explanations against the wall in the hopes that one will stick and you will forgive her. Hasn't she already switched therapists because you felt she wasn't making progress quickly enough? It sounds to me like she is doing all she can on her own to try to repair the marriage but she isn't getting any help from you. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive her then reconciliation will not happen. But don't make it out to be her fault if you don't stay together. It is completely her fault for the A but not for all of the marital problems before the A and certainly not for this.