Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

xpat · 01-10-2012, 05:47 PM

After thirteen years of an unhappy marriage (the last five in separation), my wife and I have finally decided to take the final step and divorce. We had discussed counseling many times over the past years, but neither my wife nor I made any real move to do anything about it. Now we agree that we don't want each other any more and it is time to end it.

I think we waited so long because there was a lot of emotional violence during the first part of the marriage, and we were unfortunately too blind and angry with each other to keep it away from our daughter. So we were waiting until we were sure that we wouldn't be causing her any further insecurity. In any case, we did manage to come to our senses shortly before our separation, and our daughter is now a well-adjusted teenager (as well-adjusted as a teenager can be...), with an enviable school and social life. She understands why we are divorcing and is very emotionally supportive of both her mother and me.

Regarding finances, we have come up with an equitable settlement. My wife has been a stay-at-home mother to date, and will now have to decide on a new career and train for it, but I will be giving her whatever she needs financially until she completes her studies and gets a job. In any case, she'll be financially ok.

One problem is that she has been having mild depressive episodes lately and starts crying when I mention the different things we need to get done in order to get divorced without delay. There are no outbursts; her eyes just start to tear up and she starts to fold in on herself a bit. I have done my best to reassure her regarding the future but it seems that she cannot dismiss her fears. Related to this is that I told her that it was well time that we both started to get out and start dating. I have not been emotionally or physically intimate with a woman for six years -- there were many opportunities, but since I was still married, and we were occasionally still paying lip-service to some notion of reconciliation, I kept the faith and did not go astray. For whatever reason, this issue makes my wife the most distraught of all, but she won't tell me why, she just weeps a bit and shakes her head.

Is there anything else that anyone thinks I should be doing here, or should we be able to finally push on with our lives, now that we've agreed on the particulars?

01-10-2012, 05:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
xpat Registered User Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 3	moving forward with divorce After thirteen years of an unhappy marriage (the last five in separation), my wife and I have finally decided to take the final step and divorce. We had discussed counseling many times over the past years, but neither my wife nor I made any real move to do anything about it. Now we agree that we don't want each other any more and it is time to end it. I think we waited so long because there was a lot of emotional violence during the first part of the marriage, and we were unfortunately too blind and angry with each other to keep it away from our daughter. So we were waiting until we were sure that we wouldn't be causing her any further insecurity. In any case, we did manage to come to our senses shortly before our separation, and our daughter is now a well-adjusted teenager (as well-adjusted as a teenager can be...), with an enviable school and social life. She understands why we are divorcing and is very emotionally supportive of both her mother and me. Regarding finances, we have come up with an equitable settlement. My wife has been a stay-at-home mother to date, and will now have to decide on a new career and train for it, but I will be giving her whatever she needs financially until she completes her studies and gets a job. In any case, she'll be financially ok. One problem is that she has been having mild depressive episodes lately and starts crying when I mention the different things we need to get done in order to get divorced without delay. There are no outbursts; her eyes just start to tear up and she starts to fold in on herself a bit. I have done my best to reassure her regarding the future but it seems that she cannot dismiss her fears. Related to this is that I told her that it was well time that we both started to get out and start dating. I have not been emotionally or physically intimate with a woman for six years -- there were many opportunities, but since I was still married, and we were occasionally still paying lip-service to some notion of reconciliation, I kept the faith and did not go astray. For whatever reason, this issue makes my wife the most distraught of all, but she won't tell me why, she just weeps a bit and shakes her head. Is there anything else that anyone thinks I should be doing here, or should we be able to finally push on with our lives, now that we've agreed on the particulars?