Originally Posted by desert-rose
Are you in individual counseling? You mentioned that you feel you have no one to talk to as you're making your decision. I really think that talking to someone who is totally objective might be a good idea.
Why do you think that this woman is perfect for you? You have this connection, but you say you have never been intimate with each other and never actually had a relationship. So, what you're basing your belief on is actually a fantasy. If you think that's worth sacrificing a good marriage, then you really should go because you're looking for an excuse to leave this marriage anyway.
I'm not trying to be cruel or mean to you, but you have to hear the truth from people who are not invested in your life. You have not given your wife a fair chance. Your marriage is a sham. You either have to find a way to fully commit to your wife or just let her go! Really, how would you feel if you found out that your wife recoiled from your touch because she wanted another man instead of you? Would you want her to stay with you if that's how she really felt? Or, would you want her to tell you the truth so that you could choose to be with someone who might actually love you for who you are?
Don't justify your position. Just listen to what others are saying and why they are saying it and that is how you will come to make your decision. Every cheater has the same story that you have, the AP is perfect and my partner was only a runner up prize anyway. So, don't let that be your reason. If you really don't intend to give your wife 100% (because you're in love with some fantasy), then THAT is your reason -- you don't want to be married to her; if that's the case, let her go with dignity and decency and kindness.
You wanna know what happens if you don't? Read about my story.
My WH that I've been with for 7.5 years, married to for 1.5 of those years, and now separated from for .5 of those years is just like you. While we were engaged, he started cheating on me with the girl next door; she married someone else and he continued being with me. However, he had been having an affair all along and when we got married, he just continued it. He became cruel and abusive, pushing me away just so he could have more time with her, picking fights with me so he could storm off and spend time with her (or other women, because eventually that happened, too). All the while, instead of ever telling me, "Hey, honey, I'm sorry but I'm in love with someone else and you're just not doing it for me" he proceeded to tell me all the things that were wrong with me because he was justifying his cheating. I lost so much of my self confidence and self worth because I could tell he was never really there when we were intimate, because I could tell he wasn't really kissing me when we kissed, and I worked my a** off to try and please him, but it messed me up so much that I lost my job and nearly failed out of school because I had a breakdown and am trying to claw my way out of it now. The sad thing is that I love him so much that when I first found out, I actually said, "if you love her, go be with her; I'm sorry things didn't work between us." But, because he had never really committed to her or me, he just kept blaming and berating me and now all I get from him are insults and verbal abuse and threats over email because we separated and now his family knows about his cheating and he is mad. You're probably not abusive and it may not go to that extreme, but some of that is probably going on in your wife's head; the diminished self worth, the worry about why she isn't able to connect to or please her partner, and all the stuff she can't quite explain that's bugging her. That's the road you're choosing, if you decide not to man up and be decent. What you think she doesn't know will eat her up inside. Do you want to do that to someone you love, just because you can't make up your mind? Don't be that guy. Just tell her you're not sure what you want and that you want to take a break for a while. Be honest about your problems and you can either split up or work it out. She is your partner and you really should be talking to her. The more you exclude her, the guiltier you will feel, and you will start making her the bad guy because she is an obstacle to your guilt-free pursuit of pleasure. You're not understanding the severity of your actions. I'm not telling you to stay with her, but you have to tell what is going on with you like now. It's better for you both that way. Choosing not to be honest now is a big big big mistake.