LookingForTheSun

So the 180 - I have done about 75...mostly the not talking about it because he can't handle talking about it. Sigma - I think it would get him flustered and upset by suggesting he read it. I bought 3 books on recovery - one is a little manual type deal that is a good read for both parties - it is How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair. For me, it just validated that I was not crazy for feeling the rainbow of emotions I was, even though I feel I am emotionally strong. It is like I have no control sometimes, even though I am always trying to coach myself through it. I kept mentioning it to him a few weeks ago (rewind - as far as I know we are 3 weeks into no contact) that it was a great short read that would help him understand what I am going through, why I feel like I do and how it is almost out of my control. I told him it would be better for him to read that than have to listen to me tell it, because I knew he did not want to talk about it. He got angry and said he would read it. It has not moved. I know he is hurting to, and I hate that for him (most of the time), but he did this and I can't help him get over himself. That is my biggest thing right now. Because he won't talk, I don't know where he is emotionally at. I know he is talking about things we can do - remodel, go on vacation - so I jump in on the conversation and go with it. I do want that. I think he is trying, but I am afraid that he won't get through this and that one day in the near future he will have a melt down or explosion. He has been doing better, but the ghost is still always there, even when it is not being spoken about - and by ghost, I mean the affair. It makes things very awkward at times. We are interacting more now and more intimate now than before the affair - for us I think it is necessary. I mentioned in another post that an STD test was mandatory - I would not budge. But still just moving on and not talking about it is hard. Then there are times that I think I don't want to talk about it....what questions will I ask that will make me feel better? All I really want to know is where his heart and head are now....how do I know his actions are real, and how can I know that he will be honest with me and NEVER let this happen again. Given that, what are my options? Is it normal for a betrayed spouse to not want past info but just current and future? (sorry I got off the topic there :-)