| | Re: wife's poor selfesteem a killer
Hi Grizzly21 - although I'm not in exactly the same situation as you, I saw some similarities in your story and wanted to respond. My situation is 18+ years married to a man with low self esteem. His is not as extreme as how you describe your wife's, nor was his as obvious in the beginning. When we first started dating and he would always let me make the decisions, I thought he was just being considerate. And when he would ask me what he should wear for this or that, again, I thought he was just being kind and wanting my opinion. It wasn't until we had kids that I realized that the reason he acted that way was because he was just not able to make a decision on his own (whether that was because he just didn't want to or just didn't know how to). It is a really hard thing to deal with in a spouse. On one hand, I want to be (or at least I used to want to be) a supportive wife and help him with his issues. On the other hand, I am practically raising 3 kids single handedly, as he provides very little in the way of helpful parenting. I really don't feel that I have the energy anymore to devote to him as well. In hindsight, I should have forced the "decision-making" issues with him early in the relationship. I may have understood better then what his real issues were and that maybe we really weren't compatible after all (as I have a tendency to be the very opposite - independent, stubborn, etc...)
I could especially relate to your comment about your wife acting like a 15 year old. I have often felt that my husband's way of reacting to many situations was very similar to a 12 year old boy. A close friend/relative of mine also pointed that out, even before he knew how I was feeling about H. My kids have surpassed their father in terms of mental maturity and ability to handle responsibility.
So I don't really have much advice, other than to say that you are fortunate to recognize these issues early on in your marriage, and to have the chance to make a decision, one way or the other, before you have children. I would advise that unless there is some major breakthrough for your wife, that having children will only exacerbate her "condition". Best of luck in whatever you decide.