Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

anotherguy · 02-01-2012, 12:44 PM

First off.. congratulations. You sound like you are on the way to making very positive changes!

-

Secondly.. you also sound like you know exactly what is going on. You say repeatedly that is has only been a month, and also that you have done this before. (Correction: 'many many times.')

Dont be discouraged. This reminds me a little bit of how easy it seems to get 'out of shape' physically and how hard it is to get back in shape. You know - doing a treadmill for a month just isnt going to get you far if you have let things coast for... how many years? 15?

I have to hand it to you - I know people that could not pull it off.. could not make the lifestyle changes. Its hard... extremely hard. But yes - its going to take some time.. months and maybe a year or years.

If you read that 'she doesnt love you anymore', or feel that she has 'checked out long ago' all you can do is keep on the right track and work on yourself.. that is the ONLY way. I can understand your excitement and enthusiasm, expecially if you feel like you now have a clear head and feel you have mentally cleared some kind of milestone, but I think it is asking too much to have he make the same gigantic leap too quickly. You admit the marriage needs alot of work - and your intuition is probably correct. But - you will not be able to persuade her of you success by giving her the 3rd degree... but by keeping up your new found life.

It may seem unfair to you - if I read your words correctly.. that you have made this much progress and now you may feel like you have to drag her along too. But do not think of it that way - think of it as helping her out of a hole. After 15 years, she may be in a very deep hole and it is going to take continued effort on your part to proove to her that this time, maybe things will be different.

You have told her how you feel, and she has hinted, distractedly, that she still cares. To me - as painful as it seems - my guess is that she is having strong doubts. The good news is that she is still there and, from her actions - is at least willing to participate rather than flee. All you can do is your best - railing because she has not made it 'like we once were' after a month is, I think, unrealistic.

Keep it up. Let her know that you appreciate her standing by you.

You say 'I do not need a freaking year to proove that I am done'. To that I say, if you are trying to repair 15 years worth of at least some relationship neglect and changes in how you see eash other... than maybe a year isnt all that long on balance. If the relationship can be mended.. and it will take time to find out if it can... then hopefully the discussions about 'us' will come easier to the both of you.

02-01-2012, 12:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
anotherguy Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 1,296	Re: The confusion is making me mad now First off.. congratulations. You sound like you are on the way to making very positive changes! - Secondly.. you also sound like you know exactly what is going on. You say repeatedly that is has only been a month, and also that you have done this before. (Correction: 'many many times.') Dont be discouraged. This reminds me a little bit of how easy it seems to get 'out of shape' physically and how hard it is to get back in shape. You know - doing a treadmill for a month just isnt going to get you far if you have let things coast for... how many years? 15? I have to hand it to you - I know people that could not pull it off.. could not make the lifestyle changes. Its hard... extremely hard. But yes - its going to take some time.. months and maybe a year or years. If you read that 'she doesnt love you anymore', or feel that she has 'checked out long ago' all you can do is keep on the right track and work on yourself.. that is the ONLY way. I can understand your excitement and enthusiasm, expecially if you feel like you now have a clear head and feel you have mentally cleared some kind of milestone, but I think it is asking too much to have he make the same gigantic leap too quickly. You admit the marriage needs alot of work - and your intuition is probably correct. But - you will not be able to persuade her of you success by giving her the 3rd degree... but by keeping up your new found life. It may seem unfair to you - if I read your words correctly.. that you have made this much progress and now you may feel like you have to drag her along too. But do not think of it that way - think of it as helping her out of a hole. After 15 years, she may be in a very deep hole and it is going to take continued effort on your part to proove to her that this time, maybe things will be different. You have told her how you feel, and she has hinted, distractedly, that she still cares. To me - as painful as it seems - my guess is that she is having strong doubts. The good news is that she is still there and, from her actions - is at least willing to participate rather than flee. All you can do is your best - railing because she has not made it 'like we once were' after a month is, I think, unrealistic. Keep it up. Let her know that you appreciate her standing by you. You say 'I do not need a freaking year to proove that I am done'. To that I say, if you are trying to repair 15 years worth of at least some relationship neglect and changes in how you see eash other... than maybe a year isnt all that long on balance. If the relationship can be mended.. and it will take time to find out if it can... then hopefully the discussions about 'us' will come easier to the both of you.