Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

bluebird · 03-17-2008, 12:08 PM

I am new to this site. I have read several topics. I did not realize so many of us are having problems in marriage..

I have been married for 14 yrs. I can honestly admit my marriage is dysfunctional. Now with that said, there is no drinking or drugs or cheating or abuse involved. I believe marriage can still dysfunctional with out the above mentioned. Some times I can go weeks and it does not bother me. Other times, I feel so freaking lonely

....

I am not going to bash my husaband.. I ve done that a lot with my friends. We both have our faults, and I think we are equally to blame in different ways...At first our marriage was good, not great, but good...I can not pinpoint one exact thing that made it turn the corner, I can say several things...

My husband is a good guy, he works two jobs, so I can be a stay at home mom. I do appreciate this. I have 2 kids in school and a 3 yr old at home. My kids are the most important thing to me. After being married, I feel that I am actually not cut out for marriage. I am very selfish. I said it, I am a selfish person. I am not selfish with my kids, its with my husnband. I always longed to be a mother, I dreamed of being somebodys mommy. I never dreamed of being married. Nobody twisted my arm to get married, I "was" in love with my husband..

14 yrs later.. I wonder how I got to this point... We are so dysfunctional.. I have stopped saying "I love you" to him about 2 yrs ago..even when I was saying it, it was forced, and felt so phoney, it was hard to spit out...I know it hurts his feelings, but I cant say something I dont feel. I guess I do love him as a person, as the father of my children, but I am not i n love. I tell my kids each and every day I love them.. those words come so easy, just kind of fall out of my mouth...He tells me he loves me, he use to tell me a lot more, but now not as much. I understand though. I am short tempered and get mad easily at him...WHY???? well I have this huge wall up around me when it comes to my feelings and emotions with him. I realized arguing does not work. We nitpick a lot at each other. I made a decision to stop doing it because of mykids. Its amazing the things that come out o fhis mouth when I stopped.

His hobby has come between us. His hobby has to do with cars. He is a car person, he buys used ones, fixes them, keeps them or sells them... he is ALWAYS working on cars, if not then researching parts he needs, and then off to get them..When he is not working, this is what he does. Sure we do things as a family, but its always rush rush to get home to do his project. He constantly tells me that he works two jobs, does not have much free time to himself...He walks around with this sense of entitlement since he is the bread winner at home...I appreciate that he works so much. I believe everybody should have a hobby/interests . I would never take that away from him..but thats all he does.. He does not understand when I get mad at all the time he spends out there. Sure, he is right outside...but it gets old after awhile.

I think the worst for me is being married and feeling alone. We do nothing together as a couple. Sure we do things with the kids, which is very important to me. But, once the two younger kids are in bed, we go our separate ways. He tries to hurry them to bed so he has his own time.He does one of two things, go outside to his project, or sits and watches his shows on tv down here.We dont like the same shows. I go to bed alone EVERY night.. sure he comes to bed each and every night but always after I am asleep. He only comes to bed early if he thinks he will get sex

If there is no sex, there is no snuggling, no back rubs, no hand holding...just off to our separate sides and thats it.

I know it bothers him as well at times. A couple months back I found that he posted on another marriage site.. I was really shocked because he never mentioned it. He never even attempted any suggestions that were given.

I am so stubborn, its hard for change.. but I know I am so lonely. I never expect marriage to be so lonely. I could never afford to be on my own with the kids. I think we are both here because of the kids..We have nothing in common besides the children. We can not aggree on a discipline money, or even retirement issues. We want two dift things for the future. I dont think either one of us is wrong.

I just feel sad a lot because of my marriage. If I am busy, then it doesnt bother me too much. Once I get thinking about it, its very sad to me.

I wish I was married to somebody who truely wants to be with me. I mean, I would love for my husband to snuggle with me as we watch a movie. I would love my husband to want to be with me alone, and not just for sex.

Like I said, he is not a bad person, hes got a good heart. Sometimes I believe we just shouldnt be married. I dont believe either one of us is right or wrong.. we are just different.

Anybody else in a situation like this? I swear I feel like the only one.

03-17-2008, 12:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
bluebird Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 35	I am new to this site... I am new to this site. I have read several topics. I did not realize so many of us are having problems in marriage.. I have been married for 14 yrs. I can honestly admit my marriage is dysfunctional. Now with that said, there is no drinking or drugs or cheating or abuse involved. I believe marriage can still dysfunctional with out the above mentioned. Some times I can go weeks and it does not bother me. Other times, I feel so freaking lonely .... I am not going to bash my husaband.. I ve done that a lot with my friends. We both have our faults, and I think we are equally to blame in different ways...At first our marriage was good, not great, but good...I can not pinpoint one exact thing that made it turn the corner, I can say several things... My husband is a good guy, he works two jobs, so I can be a stay at home mom. I do appreciate this. I have 2 kids in school and a 3 yr old at home. My kids are the most important thing to me. After being married, I feel that I am actually not cut out for marriage. I am very selfish. I said it, I am a selfish person. I am not selfish with my kids, its with my husnband. I always longed to be a mother, I dreamed of being somebodys mommy. I never dreamed of being married. Nobody twisted my arm to get married, I "was" in love with my husband.. 14 yrs later.. I wonder how I got to this point... We are so dysfunctional.. I have stopped saying "I love you" to him about 2 yrs ago..even when I was saying it, it was forced, and felt so phoney, it was hard to spit out...I know it hurts his feelings, but I cant say something I dont feel. I guess I do love him as a person, as the father of my children, but I am not i n love. I tell my kids each and every day I love them.. those words come so easy, just kind of fall out of my mouth...He tells me he loves me, he use to tell me a lot more, but now not as much. I understand though. I am short tempered and get mad easily at him...WHY???? well I have this huge wall up around me when it comes to my feelings and emotions with him. I realized arguing does not work. We nitpick a lot at each other. I made a decision to stop doing it because of mykids. Its amazing the things that come out o fhis mouth when I stopped. His hobby has come between us. His hobby has to do with cars. He is a car person, he buys used ones, fixes them, keeps them or sells them... he is ALWAYS working on cars, if not then researching parts he needs, and then off to get them..When he is not working, this is what he does. Sure we do things as a family, but its always rush rush to get home to do his project. He constantly tells me that he works two jobs, does not have much free time to himself...He walks around with this sense of entitlement since he is the bread winner at home...I appreciate that he works so much. I believe everybody should have a hobby/interests . I would never take that away from him..but thats all he does.. He does not understand when I get mad at all the time he spends out there. Sure, he is right outside...but it gets old after awhile. I think the worst for me is being married and feeling alone. We do nothing together as a couple. Sure we do things with the kids, which is very important to me. But, once the two younger kids are in bed, we go our separate ways. He tries to hurry them to bed so he has his own time.He does one of two things, go outside to his project, or sits and watches his shows on tv down here.We dont like the same shows. I go to bed alone EVERY night.. sure he comes to bed each and every night but always after I am asleep. He only comes to bed early if he thinks he will get sex If there is no sex, there is no snuggling, no back rubs, no hand holding...just off to our separate sides and thats it. I know it bothers him as well at times. A couple months back I found that he posted on another marriage site.. I was really shocked because he never mentioned it. He never even attempted any suggestions that were given. I am so stubborn, its hard for change.. but I know I am so lonely. I never expect marriage to be so lonely. I could never afford to be on my own with the kids. I think we are both here because of the kids..We have nothing in common besides the children. We can not aggree on a discipline money, or even retirement issues. We want two dift things for the future. I dont think either one of us is wrong. I just feel sad a lot because of my marriage. If I am busy, then it doesnt bother me too much. Once I get thinking about it, its very sad to me. I wish I was married to somebody who truely wants to be with me. I mean, I would love for my husband to snuggle with me as we watch a movie. I would love my husband to want to be with me alone, and not just for sex. Like I said, he is not a bad person, hes got a good heart. Sometimes I believe we just shouldnt be married. I dont believe either one of us is right or wrong.. we are just different. Anybody else in a situation like this? I swear I feel like the only one. Last edited by bluebird; 03-17-2008 at 12:11 PM.