Why did I marry in the first place?
So I'm 29 and divorced. Never thought this would be my life.
It's been over a year now since the whole process begun, and I just can't get past the question, why did I say "I do" in the first place. I've always been this romantic type of girl, my ex-husband was (and still is) the only one I've ever been with.
We were together for 8 and half years, ever since I finished high school. It was love at first sight, in 3 months time we were already living together. But we were young and penniless, so marriage took place only at the very end of our relationship. And that is what bothers me!
The wedding was huge with 120 guests and took about a year and a half of planning. During that period of time things started to go really wrong, but I just closed my eyes and thought it was only wedding stress. After all, according to friends and family, we were "the one perfect couple".
One thing that started to bother me then was the excessive use of alcohol I started to notice from my boyfriend's side. His father is still an uncured alcoholic, but his family just looks the other way.
Also, our fights became more and more aggressive. I understand now that back then I was scared of him sometimes - but I didn't see it like that when I was in the situation. I guess I was just trying to be strong for both of us. And I couldn't see the love of my life being a totally different, violent person. It just didn't make any sense.
Our relationship had had its ups and down before, and I loved him so much that I thought it would just turn for the better again one day. So on with the wedding planning, I said to myself.
Three months after the wedding, just as the lovely honeymoon had been spent, somehow the worst fight ever happened. He didn't attack me physically like a few times before, I could have handled that. He just sank into a state of mind that scared me even more: he said he wanted to die.
Now, my brother killed himself at the age of 18. I was 23 at the time. My ex-husband was there then with me witnessing the horrible years when my whole family was just numb of grief. He knew exactly how deep he would hurt me by using those words - whether he really meant them or not.
Once again, I tried to talk to him, get us both into therapy like many, many times before, but it was always just like fighting a tsunami. He wouldn't do it. I felt my strength starting to fade, like I was drowning. He had been diagnosed with depression before. If he was to follow down the same path as my brother, I could never bear the guilt or the grief. So I left, just a little over three months after the wedding. I felt like I was running for my life.
Last I heard, he had started dating our former mutual friend pretty soon after the divorce was settled. I've been mostly sitting in therapy and trying to get my own life together.
I still can't forgive myself for marrying that man. It was unfair to everybody. I just can't explain what was going through my head - love? How could I love someone who hurt me so bad? How could he say that he loved me with all his heart and then literally spit on my face the next day?
I thought I could love this broken person enough to heal him, and his whole family. Still, I simply should have known better. I feel like I failed, big time.