This is going to be long I assume, so thank you in advance for anyone who reads the whole thing, as I am really confused.
I left hubs a year ago february 24th. It was rough for both of us. He went on a drug binge, I tried desperately to reel him back in (I've been the only one who could ever do it) There were a serious of "I love you, I miss you" and being stood up, disregards, being used for sexual pleasure, having my bank account drained for drugs, it was just a giant horrific mess. He left state for a while to recuperate. I then had to rebuild myself.
We started talking again in september because I started having horrific dreams of him and wanted to know he was alright. It was the week of his dead sisters birthday. We talked for about a month before it turned into insanity again and I dropped it.
I was doing ok, really busy with the stressful living situations I happened upon and I was doing my best to preoccupy myself and move on. I went on one date. Nothing amounted out of it, I just think I needed it to remind myself that I am worth something and give my self esteem a kick. (seriously, the guy almost only left with a hand shake
) Around christmas time, I started getting harassing situations at work, hubs had been back since november, and there were a giant series of hell situation involving his best friend (a mutual friend), one of his girlfriends, and my ex. (Im just not going into it, it just got horrid) I had some people call me at work, 6 times, and harass me bad enough for me to wonder if I was going to be gang raped walking to my car in the parkinglot.
I had heard that when word got to him of what was going on with me, he had made a post on facebook about it, and curiosity killed me, so I used someone elses facebook to see what he said. (on new years eve) It was sincere. It was nice. I himmed and hawed for a few hours and then finally sent him a "thank you" message via text. He told me that it wouldn't matter how things were between us, he still feels the need to protect me and would jump up to defend me to anyone.
He agreed to meet me for coffee, when I got into town, he walked down and did a few things that really gave me a good feeling. he dumped out his drink (he'd been drinking at home when I contacted him) and then told me he'd rather not go out to have coffee with me, because he realized he was intoxicated and that was not how he wanted to be when we actually got to spend any time together because he didn't want to say something stupid out of drunkeness and screw it up. he gave me a hug, and walked home.
So we started talking again, seeing eachother for coffee dates, I let him come over to my house. Things were doing pretty good that first week. I had explained that this was time we'd been given to take a good hard look at each other and decide if we were the type of people we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. I told him if he pushed hard, I'd run. The next three weeks we fought every time we were together. One particular fight was nasty. But he still impressed me with how he handled them. He said "I don't want to leave right now, but we said some pretty heavy things, and I need time to think about them" For him, this type of thinking is very adult and responsible and it still impressed me.
We stopped talking after our last visit, because he had determined or I told him it was up to him to make a real decision anyhow, that we both want very different things out of life, and he has no idea how it would work out. it was because he pushed. He pushed after a month of talking for us to start planning for us and working on getting our own place, and wanted "his wife" back, and got into mentally beating me with our vows and god and everything. My stance being we need to rebuild the core relationship before we can move forward like that or it's doomed to fall apart just as it did before, and I will not go back to that situation. It was unhealthy, unproductive, and we had no communication between us and both took eachother for granted.
So, thursday I discovered someone had stolen one of my wedding bands and my engagement ring. If life could get any more messy I'd really be shocked. I called him. four times. I texted him. I unblocked and sent him a message on facebook. I so wanted him to have found it and taken it (it was hidden) I begged and pleaded for him to have it. he doesn't. But it re-opened communication between the two of us again.
and now here I sit. I don't really know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I know that our history shows that even when we decide to not talk, something tragic happens and we end up in contact again. Our biggest conflict right now is that I feel we both have separate things to work on ourselves, and he wants us to work on things as a united front. I don't think we can make a whole until the parts themselves are solid, and he like I said pushes to rush things.
It seems like we could reconcile. We both love eachother. When we're happy it's just like the days when we first met. And it never matters what's happened between us if I need a shoulder or he does, we're the first people to jump to help the other. I think that's a good thing, but there's so much gray, and so many differences in our perspectives that I am just not certain how we could do it, or if we're just clinging to what used to be. We did once build from nothing, we were focused and motivated, when we lost that, we lost everything between us. I just don't really know if we can get it back or not.