Coping

Hello, I am new here and I am hoping to find someone that I can talk to about what I have been going through for the past month after being made aware that the man that I have loved for so long and trusted so completely has betrayed me in what I consider to be the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity. Below is just a brief: How I came to find out about it and all the emotions that I went through in such a few minutes.

If anyone out there is willing to talk or make any suggestions about this it would be deeply appreciated and I would be so grateful for your time. I am also willing to make any clarifications if necessary.

My husband and I have been together for 9.5 years, married for six of those years. He had been putting distance between us for a while and no matter what I did or said he would not, or did not want to see what I was telling him.

He had always been a very affectionate man with me. Giving me kisses and hugs just because. About eight months or so ago when I would tell him that I miss him, his kisses, hugs and affection he would just respond by saying that he was never like that. I would tell him that that was not true because it was one of the reasons for which I had fallen in love with him. I would also tell him "you kiss me as if you were kissing your daughter, I am your wife not your daughter.

This went on for a while and eventually on Tuesday, February 12th while I was at work he packed his things and went to stay at his parents house. The next day at the office I was a total mess. I could not focus on what needed to be done.

That night when I got home (on the second night of him being at his parents) I lost it. I had a massive breakdown and I was on the verge of, if not having, an anxiety attack. Under my sisters persistance (who was on the phone trying to comfort me the best she could) I gave in and called him.

After hearing me on the phone he tells me that he will call me back in a few. I found it strange that under the state of mind that I was in that he would say that he would call me back. An odd feeling came over me but I did not feed into it. About 15 minutes later he called and he was oddly quite. Then I heard him saying "I am sorry, I am so sorry". At first I thought he was sorry for what his leaving was doing to me but when he apologized yet again there was something strange that I found myself asking him what it was that he was sorry about. He hesitated and then I heard him say those four words that just cut right through me, "I had an affair".

I was completely blown away. I was like, what did you just say. But in reality he did not have to repeat it because I knew exactly what he had said. Then he said it again. My tears just stopped and I went through a series of emotions. From a breakdown to shock and disbelief to hurt to disappointment to anger and then to a state of rage.

What made it worst was that all this was happening over the phone. I found myself demanding for him to come home. He did not want to, I could hear the fear in his voice as to what I might do. I found myself yelling and cursing at him. How could he do this to me and then to tell me about it over the phone. I called him a coward for that.

I demanded that we talk about this but not over the phone, it had to be face to face. I wanted to see the look on his face. He finally agreed to meet with me the next day. After getting off the phone I was livid. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him. About 30 minutes later I heard the front door, it was him.

He said that while listening to me on the phone, feelings that he thought were dead came alive within him once again and that he realized that he still does love me. The 15 minutes before calling me back and confessing his infidelity he called her to put an end to it all.

I need help in getting past all of this. He has made a complete turn around, I feel as if I have gotten my husband back as he used to be. I still do love my husband, I always have. But how can I ever trust him and put those images of them behind me?