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Just discovered possible EA after Wife said she wants to separate...

136K views 493 replies 53 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have 6 beauitful children. Since the end of November, my wife had been acting very differently. Ever time I tried to ask her what was going on, it led to an argument.

I have had an anger problem most of my life where when things upset me, I yell a lot. I always calm back down and apologize and it seems like we've always moved forward from there.

I tried to ask my wife about her behavior and it resulted in another argument and she stated for the first time that she wanted a divorce. I asked her why and she said that she can't take my anger and negativity anymore and has had enough. She said none of our arguments have ever been resolved throughout our entire marriage and that she was no longer in love with me and simply viewed us as friends.

I spent a few days still trying to talk to her and everytime she rejected me and stated the same things. She insists there isn't anyone else even though all the signs are there. However, I was able to "snoop" and discovered that since the end of the November, when she began to act strangely, she has been conversing with a doctor she use to work for.

She's told him our entire marriage history, including personal things that were only between the two of us, as well as personal information about herself. She also stated that she really likes him a lot and she's been texting and emailing him every night, even when myself and my children have been in the same room. I told her that I knew there was someone else in the picture without exposing exact details and she still denied there was anyone else.

Ever after all of this, I still don't want a divorce and would prefer to work things out. I guess I'm unsure of how to proceed? Should I tell her the exact details I know and see how she responds? 180? She wants a separation and plans to move out, but hasn't done anything yet. She keeps saying she's waiting to talk to a lawyer. I've already consulted one as well as attended IC. We have MC set up but she told me she only agreed because she thought it would help me.
 
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#2 ·
First off you have to stop the angry outbursts NOW... you have to get control of your anger. If you are not going to do that then the best thing for you to do is to just move out of your family home and let your wife find a life with someone who does have such out bursts. Your wife probably sees these out bursts as emotional abuse.. they most likely are.

When you feel like blowing up just leave the house and go for a long walk or run until you have calmed down. Never discuss anything with anyone when you are angry.

I can tell you from experience that women generally find it very scary when their husbands have angry outbursts. Men are bigger and stronger and can hurt us easily. So it's scary. You did not say if you bang on things or throw things.. but if you do the fear factor is much higher.

The following applies only if you going to get control of the outbursts...

Get the books Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. Read it and do what it says to do.

You need to start wth Plan A (see my signature block). Plan B (or the 180) is used only after you have done Plan A for a while.. 4-8 weeks. With your angry outburst history you might need to do plan A longer. The purpose of Plan A is to change yourself to be a better person and to show your spouse that you are changing.

If you get the book… do not let your wife see that you are reading it. She will look it up, read about it and think that you are only manipulating her. So read it when she is not around. And keep it where she cannot find it.
 
#3 ·
Thanks for the advice. I'll look up the Plan A and B immediately.

I'm currently in counseling and have spoken to my pastor concerning my anger issues. Since my wife has told me she wanted a divorce, it hasn't been hard to control since my other emotions (depression, sadness, etc.) have taken over.

My wife is planning on moving out of our home and I'll be there to raise the kids. I've been raising them practically myself for the past five years while she's attended college, which hasn't been easy with six young ones at the house.
 
#5 ·
Are you saying that your children are staying in the family home with you? Do not allow her to move them out of the home. Since you do not have a court ordered custody agreement might very well have the right to move them.

You will need to talk to an attorney to find out what you need to do to keep her from moving them in with her if she should decide to do this. YOu can probably get an emergency court order for them to be returned in this happens.
 
#4 ·
Although this is probably he worst time in you life and you have every right to be angry, this is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

You are the primary care giver and this is good in this case. Your primary aim is to protect yourself and your children.

This is not a suspected EA. This is a EA. Possible PA.

Is this Doctor she is talking to married?

Do not expose your sources of information and continue to snoop.
Password protect your computer. Do not tell your wife about this site. it is your safe place.
 
#6 ·
The doctor isn't married. I'm not even sure if he's still local since some of the emails I've seen indicate that he's either moving or has moved out of the area.

It seems with plan A I should confront her with the facts I know about the EA? And get her to do a complete disconnect from the OM? This will be difficult and I know she has another friend of hers that is only encouraging her behavior. I'm also not sure how this will work out since she already wants the separation. Maybe I haven't read enough about plan A and B to fully understand how to implement them yet.

My goal is to reconcile but it seems everytime I bring up anything about our marriage it only pushes her away. Which now it's obviously because of the EA.
 
#12 ·
The doctor isn't married. I'm not even sure if he's still local since some of the emails I've seen indicate that he's either moving or has moved out of the area.
Keep an eye out for info on him. If he’s moving out of the area your wife might move with him. Or this affair will end or become minimal. You might even want to call or write him to tell him that you know of the affair and are asking him to stop the affair so that you can repair your marriage.
The idea of exposing the affair and telling her what you know is to put pressure on the affair. Affairs do not do well in the light of day. The more they have to face the real world, the more pressure on the affair. Affairs are fantasy. So the more pressure and responsibility put on the affair, the shorter lived it will be.
Your wife is the mother of 6 children. It is highly unlikely that this doctor will want to take on her 6 children. So I doubt that the affair will last all that long.
It seems with plan A I should confront her with the facts I know about the EA? And get her to do a complete disconnect from the OM? This will be difficult and I know she has another friend of hers that is only encouraging her behavior. I'm also not sure how this will work out since she already wants the separation. Maybe I haven't read enough about plan A and B to fully understand how to implement them yet.
Has she said when she is moving? Start doing the Plan A now. Remember that you cannot be play acting. It has to be real changes in yourself or she will know.
It would make sense for you to confront her in the next day or two. Tell her that you know that she is involved with the doc. Reveal only enough to let her know that you know what’s going on. This way you do not reveal how you got the info. You do not want her to move out and want to work on your marriage with her. But in order for that you happen you would need her to end all contact with the doc.

My goal is to reconcile but it seems everytime I bring up anything about our marriage it only pushes her away. Which now it's obviously because of the EA.
Do not bring up anything about your marriage now… well except to reveal that you know about the affair and want her to stay to rebuild your marriage. Beyond that just be the best person you can be.
 
#9 ·
Honestly, the only fear I have about exposing the EA is revealing the methods by which I discovered it. If I tell her what I know, she'll most likelly know how I found out.

If I expose to her family, should I tell her that's what I'm going to do or just do it? This is all very scary for me. I don't want to make the wrong move. I want to reconcile with my wife but there's young children to think about as well.
 
#10 ·
Tell her family about her EA. Tell them that you love your wife, want to save your marriage. You can tell them that you know that you have contributed to the problems in your marriage. Also tell them that you would hope that they will help you keep your family together for the sake of their grand children. You can tell them that you are seeking help from your pastor and a counselor.


Do not tell them about things like Plan A, Plan B, 180, this web site, the "Surviving an Affair" book or anything else along those lines.
 
#13 ·
I appreciate all the advice EleGirl. I'm not sure how her family would react if I were to expose the EA. I know her mother very well, and love her as if she were my own. She has told me that regardless of what happens, I will always be her son-in-law and she would like to see us work things out.

I know my wife will be furious. I think I'm going to tell her today that I know all about the EA and that I want to rebuild the marriage. We already have a counseling session scheduled for 1/16.

Should I or shouldn't I tell my wife that I'm going to tell her family and the OM?
 
#36 ·
I wouldn't ASK OM anything. I would TELL him that he can expect a little visit from you if he contacts your wife again. Let him know that you're not afraid to protect your wife and marriage from filth like him.

You need to find out for sure if he's married or has a girlfriend. It doesn't matter if your WW told you he's not married. She is probably lying to you. You need to expose the affair to his wife or girlfriend, as well.
 
#16 ·
Go to her family first, with NO WARNING to the W. If you go to her first: she will spin yarns to her family-and possibly yours as well-about how paranoid, controlling and jealous you are. Basically, she will deny and lie to make you out to be the crazy a**hole, and she will be the helpless victim.

And never, NEVER reveal your sources-she will just go underground.
 
#19 ·
The only remaining problem I guess I see with this plan is the fact that I already told the wife I knew there was someone else without going into detail. She may have already told her mom that I was accusing her of this.

Of course, I have the details to back up the information which proves I'm not lying either.
 
#22 ·
Stop behaving like a doormat and afraid of what she will do if you exposed her affair.you are doing the right thing and it is your duty to protect your marriage.

you really need to MAN up.
ask her to stop the affair,if she did not then ask her to move out and separate your finances.Ask her to pay half of the kids expenses.
 
#26 ·
Bmichael......look you make it clear if she leaves the house, it is no longer her home, turns in keys (change the locks) need to ask permission or be invited in to ge inside. No coming and going at her will.....make it clear that she is not leaving you, the house but the family also. She has to pay her share of child support, daycare, sitters, medical, mortgage, utilities and so on.

If your making this easy on her to stay on her good side........,knock it off.

You need to be Alpha, and being Alpha does not mean being angry, bully, or acting like a bull.

Being Alpha is being a man, a gentleman warrior. Stop being a doormat, tell her your going to see an attorney about a legal depression and divorce.
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#32 ·
So go ahead and sit back and let your wayward rewrite history and make you out to be the bad guy and now you are the outcast! Go ahead and keep quite and let the EA turn to a PA and wait another 1/2 a year or longer for your WW to come out of the fog, only to have more resentment and disrepect b/c she thinks in her fantasy that you always knew and didn't do anything to show you you cared.

She's already gone so take the steps to make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible....making it very clear you will not share your wife and as a man, are confident enough to move on with out her if she continues.

More often then not showing this confidence and the self respect that tells everyone that you diserve better is the only chance in bringing her out of her fog. The sooner she faces the consequences the sooner *YOU* can move on with or with out her.

It will always be her choice to stay or go, but it is your choice to no longer tolorate it by asking others for there support for the marriage and exposing it to a small group of family and friends and OM.

By doing this she will have no respect for you and will resent you....wait she already does. So now that you have lost your W what more to you have to lose by protecting your self in exposing the affair?

I get you want to R, but your W doesn't and until OM is completely out of the picture your W won't even think about it. So go ahead and make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible and pour on the reality that you respect your self enough to open this can of worms that *SHE* has created.

Or you can wait and see as you quitely go through life as an unhappy man that believes he diserve this kind of treatment from another human being.
 
#39 ·
If you expose her, she will get angry, and she may or may not eventually come out of the fog and R with you. But if you don't expose her, she WON'T come out of the fog (no consequences to her affair), and you will lose her anyway.

You have two chances to lose your M and one to save it.
 
#43 ·
The longer you wait the worse it gets. Remember to let people know whats going on but not how you know it.

Pull the plug on this affair. The reason she is moving out is so the EA can go PA with out having to bother with you and the kids.

If she does move out be sure and change the locks while she is leaving and get a junkyard lawyer. I doubt she knows what her financial responsibilities are going to be. Of course the Dr. may have plenty of money.

I agree with committedwife about confronting Dr. Cheat. Let him know you are blaming him since this started when he started chating with her. Mention a subpoena if you have to . Doubt he will welcome the drama, he's aftersomething else. Find out why he's moving. Find his wife,girlfriend, ex. and find out his story.
 
#45 · (Edited)
Bmichael........
You will fill great empowerment - simple step
1. Talk to OM, tell him to leave wife alone
2. Expose - to family and friends
3. If she leaves house, it's not her hone anymore and will not be allowed in without your permission. That depression will result in proceeding with divorce
4. Offer reconciliation - NC with OM and MC

You can't continue letter be in charge and decide what's best..,..,.


You came her for advice, take it. If you came you TAM to post your sob story, to have us all cry with you as your life and marriage crumbles because you won't man up, I am afraid your at the wrong place.
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