Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

you did it for other men, but not me?

578K views 4K replies 250 participants last post by  Deejo 
#1 ·
So I am a bit curious as to the logic and understanding of men and woman.
I have read (and experienced) what it feel like to be told that "that was then and this is now"
Meaning the sexual acts you performed with other men and or woman is a part of the past and not something you want to do with your husband.

Obviously anal is a popular one, but there are many others.

Woman, do you have basic knowledge of a male ego?
Do you realize what a shot to a males ego this is?

I am not talking about you tried something once in college and it hurt so you won't do it again.

I am talking about you actively did some things with other men and woman in your wilder days and your H wants some of that from you and you deny him this. Especially stuff you admit you enjoyed back then.

Does it matter to you that it makes him feel like he is not the sexual creature your past lover was and this is why you will not indulge him. After all it is just a sexual act with your H, so why the stance to withhold, knowing it will hurt him and possibly hurt the marriage in the long run. Do you not realixe you gave this gift to a guy that did not love you and now you would be making the man that chose to be with you for life very happy and feel very appreciated if he knew that he had gotten all the sexual gifts you have given others and more.
My W actually withheld that she had done things ( I asked her prior to marriage and she lied to me) I have, since learning of this, gone from initially very disappointed in realizing I had married a party girl (knew she had some fun, but not that much fun), and now I am feeling like, I am married to her and love her and for my own ego to resolve these things, I want the same thing.
If I had learned prior to marriage, I would have chosen this path then, but I thought I had married someone with similar background and moral structure, but again, I was deceived.

I have since gotten past the moral side of this stuff (as best I can) and want to see and feel, experience this stuff with my wife. After all, there is a guy out there walking around that knows her wild side better than I do, and I would like to have some mind movies of my wife in my head with me as the man, versus the mind movies of what she did with other men. Male ego at work. Do not fault me for having one.

Does any of this make sense to anyone?

I was allowed to have her past matter to me for any reason I saw fit and she lied to me, so how I feel now and what I want, is her consequence for lying to me. IMO.

I will not divorce her for this, so don't go there. I love her and who she is today, but my ego has been slammed to the ground and I want to do something about it.
It is not like having some crazy sex with her H will change who she is, just make her more fun for me really. So what is the big deal? Can't you see that if you gave a sexual gift to one man in your past that your H might want to have that gift given to him.. I just do not see the logic of woman that do not get this.
 
See less See more
#428 ·
Here is something along these same lines...same principle but much less impact. The first time my whole STBW's extended family got together and I was there was last Thanksgiving. I noticed that all the women, my STBW's mom, sister, daughter even made plates for their men who were sitting down. They brought them their plates before they got their own. It was pretty obviously a learned thing. My STBW made no move to make my plate for me, and we got our plates together. After we sat down, her daughter mentioned that it was weird seeing that, that she was used to seeing her mom get her mans plate too. I am more than capable of getting my own plate so that was no issue, but it did make me wonder why she didn't even offer that simple act of caring, nurturing, taking care of her man to me, when she obviously had done it for her ex-husband, and it was so ingraned to the point that not doing it for me was noticed and pointed out as strange by others.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ScotchnStout
#429 ·
"I know some women will see this as a statement of owning the woman, but it is nothing of the sort."

As a man I see it as you being insecure in your manhood. Your man hood should come from within and not be based on what your woman will do for you compared to whatever she may have done in the past. I'm guessing that is why you picked the name Thor also. Get a grip.
 
#435 ·
Ughhh..........these threads can make you go crazy.

Like I said earlier, I would be happy with an overall effort to make our sex life as good as it can be, and not focus on one thing here or there.

But, if it were a situation like "we only do it missionary once a week in the dark and never anything else but Fabio got it on a beach, on a roller coaster and a plane in every position known to man" then I'd be pissed.
 
#442 ·
Why do some men think a woman's mind constantly wanders back to previous lovers? Like the beach sex thing.Why would a man think just bc his wife had sex on some beach with some former lover it automatically means that the beach=hot sex thoughts of other man for her that must be eradicated from her brain and the way to do it is to f*ck current partner on the beach.
I'd just as soon forget my past sexual experiences and happily pretend DH is my first and only.
 
#445 ·
I don't care about what she did with someone else. I care about what she is going to willingly, lovingly, and enthusiastically do with me.

Take the willing, loving, and enthusiastic out of the equation and there isn't much to discuss, whether it's a simple gesture of kindness or appreciation, or reverse cowgirl wearing a Wonder Woman outfit, playing a kazoo.
 
#464 ·
It's always a risk with the kazoo, but the slide flute and duck call just aren't the same.

I'll emphasize that I have another simple caveat, I can't, cannot, hurt my partner. I have no idea why this is ever present in my mind, but if she is not enjoying, something is causing her discomfort and/or pain, I want no part of it.

I can understand why a man may question, or feel 'less than' in terms of sex acts that a partner may have done prior to their relationship.

But I can also attest that the 'act' doesn't equal 'value', or the benefits derived from having loving, committed sex. It's an experience. Sometimes a great and thrilling experience. Other times the experience doesn't nearly measure up to the perception of the experience.

If your spouse is not giving you an answer to your satisfaction, I'm comfortable laying out the possible 'why's'

1. She's ashamed
2. Wives and mothers don't DO that. Role resolution between nurturing mother and hyper-sexed wife can be challenging (Had this happen in my marriage)
3. You have grown apart. She doesn't feel attracted, safe, secure, valued ... insert important relationship touch-point of your choice.

If she knows you are angry about it, or resentful, she's going to feel even less inclined to discuss it, let alone act on it.
 
#462 ·
In reality, one or more of the Ex BF(s), were probably freaks in the bedroom. She did things for them because of who they were, and how they handled her. After they broke up her first thoughts probably included, "Thank god, I don't have to do that again"

It's like comparing an A+ versus a B, in performance.

By lying to him, she is in reality protecting both his ego and libido.
 
#465 ·
In reality, one or more of the Ex BF(s), were probably freaks in the bedroom. She did things for them because of who they were, and how they handled her. After they broke up her first thoughts probably included, "Thank god, I don't have to do that again"

It's like comparing an A+ versus a B, in performance.

By lying to him, she is in reality protecting both his ego and libido.
And then when the truth comes out from someone else, she is nothing but a liar.
 
#475 ·
It is my understanding that he didn't find out from her, but rather someone talking about the past with her when he was there, and that got him asking questions to make sense of what he had been told, and what he was presently hearing.

My STBW has given me details of things that she thought were important for me to know. Not bragging, or to rub it in or anything like that, but she wanted me to hear certain things straight from her rather than someone else at a later time. Her concern was that if I found out later about some things, that it might look like she was lying, or hiding things from me. She is a very smart woman. She gets it.

On the bolded part, yes that is how I understand it, too.

So how is it her fault?

She didn't ever want to tell him, for her own reasons.

He found out by other means.

She WANTED to leave it in the past.

She did not throw it in his face.

So....:scratchhead:

Your other statement was something like "let's leave it in the past then".

Isn't that exactly what she tried to do?
 
#478 · (Edited)
Over 20 years ago, the OP's W performed certain acts that, when asked by the OP, she airbrushed from her past. Since then, they have married and, from what I gather, had a happy, fulfilling marriage...

Fast forward to some mindless friend revisiting the W's distant past within earshot of the OP, and the OP finds himself questioning his value as a lover and husband...

The OP confronts his W who, for whatever reason (embarrassment?) doesn't provide him with a suitable explanation, and he feels hurt, deceived and deprived - particularly as he's under the impression that she actually enjoyed what she did all those years ago...

The OP now feels that his only remedy is to experience for himself what his W did over 20 years ago, but his wife isn't prepared to do so. Why would an otherwise loving W (and we have no reason to believe that she isn't) refuse to do this for her H, and why did she airbrush this information out of her past in the first place?


  • She didn't enjoy those sex acts 20 odd years ago. Had she done so, why would she deprive herself of something she enjoyed so much for the next 20 odd years?

  • She didn't admit to them because she was embarrassed at having done them in the first place

  • She didn't admit to them because she didn't want them to form part of her married sex life with the OP


Was it wrong of the OP's W to deny having performed any of these acts? Yes.

Is it wrong for the OP to now request his W to repeat these acts with him? No.

Is it wrong for the OP's W to refuse to repeat these acts with the OP if she doesn't want to do them? No.

So, what's the solution? IMO, communication. He's not prepared to throw away 20 years of married life because of this, so the OP needs to tell his W exactly how he feels, and they need to work through this together rather than let it ruin their marriage.
 
#479 ·
a convicted felon would like to leave his history in the past also.

or a rape victim or and child molester, or a used car salesman.

its a lie by ommission.

andt the way I understand it was he asked and she said she never and would not enjoy it. Then her friend let it slip.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ScotchnStout
#488 ·
It's bigger than that. I'm presuming there must be some other disconnects in play.

If he felt valued, cherished, and desired, in my opinion this becomes a non-issue.

Odds are this discovery is just another thing that now goes on the resentment 'stack'. That's pretty common and it cuts both ways.

I vividly remember doing things with my wife that were mind-blowing and awesome, only to have those same things within just a few years become unthinkable, off limits, and I was a disrespectful, whiny, degenerate for even bringing up the possibility.

Now? I'm a perfectly respectful and self-moderated, degenerate.
 
#487 ·
Yes, she clearly did not want him to know this about herself.

And somehow others get to decide if that is right or wrong, on a moral level.

We don't know this wife's story.

We don't know why a friend said what she did.

How does the friend know whether the wife "enjoyed" it and was into it? The wife may have said "sure, it was great" 20 years ago but was lying.
 
#495 ·
We all have the right to define our own existence, and to partner with people we're compatible with.

You can use the "none of your business" card for anything and ultimately destroy a relationship.

If you're with someone that won't accept your past, then move on to someone that will. Lying to people and trapping them in relationships is SELFISH.
 
#506 ·
The problem you fail to realize is that not everyone had the same childhood, upbringing, or opportunities.

And some people aren't read to "cook their oatmeals" when they're young. Some do it in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and even 60s.

I wasn't ready until my 30s and hurrah I'm married to someone who wants to explore with me.
 
#503 ·
Yes, the OP's W did lie - 20 odd years ago. When confronted, she admitted to lying and made no attempt to deny having done so. We have no idea how she justified this to the OP, because he hasn't told us.

How is she now supposed to make amends? By agreeing to perform certain acts with the OP that she has no wish to repeat and then lie to him, again, by telling him that it's even more enjoyable with him than it was all those years ago?

Something like this has the potential to get bigger and bigger, if not checked, and feed on itself until there's nothing left but a great gaping hole of pain and resentment...

This couple need to communicate and sort the matter out between them. If they can't, MC might be the best way forward.

The OP seems to have left the thread and, frankly, I think that's a very wise move...
 
  • Like
Reactions: COGypsy
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top