Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - What if she hasn't asked for forgiveness?

swedish · 03-27-2008, 01:31 PM

As far as rebuilding trust, it has really been a full effort on his part to ensure I'm as comfortable as possible. In our case, he began emailing me in the morning, spending his lunch hour on the phone with me, calls me when he leaves and we talk during his commute home (I work from home), in general just consistent behavior so I don't have a need to question anything. He does have to work off hours sometimes and weekends but will either be on the phone with me or he asks if I want to come along on the weekends. I think how much you want to know is different for everyone. In my case, I wanted all details because the thoughts in my head were much worse and I couldn't deal with him sharing something with her that I was out of the loop on. He also cut the friendship with her but he still has work projects with her and she still tries to start personal conversations, etc. which he tells me about. At this point, it just seems to irritate him (he says he no longer has any feelings for her and feels she somewhat manipulated him when he was looking for a friend but also takes full responsibility for what happened) so I think he's partly irritated by that and also that he feels he needs to tell me every time they talk and he dreads it as he doesn't want to upset me. I think the only way we've come to where we are now (which is a good place in our marriage) is through having some serious long talks about what each of us were feeling about each other at that time and why we were so distant. We both realized we really love each other and had what we wanted all along with each other, we just weren't expressing our love for one another as we should have been. Since those talks, we've started 'dating' again. We are both very introverted and now make a point to talk about things we would normally keep to ourselves (work, kids, finances, etc.) and it makes us both feel we are more of a team now. We go to the gym together, and basically really enjoy being with each other and make sure the other always feels loved and appreciated. Even knowing how we are today, I still would not be able to deal with him traveling on business with her (thankfully that won't happen). I do think it is in his court (and in your case your wife's) to rebuild the trust but up to both of us to create and maintain the type of marriage that makes us both happy.

03-27-2008, 01:31 PM	#5 (permalink)
swedish Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Near Chicago Posts: 1,192	Re: What if she hasn't asked for forgiveness? As far as rebuilding trust, it has really been a full effort on his part to ensure I'm as comfortable as possible. In our case, he began emailing me in the morning, spending his lunch hour on the phone with me, calls me when he leaves and we talk during his commute home (I work from home), in general just consistent behavior so I don't have a need to question anything. He does have to work off hours sometimes and weekends but will either be on the phone with me or he asks if I want to come along on the weekends. I think how much you want to know is different for everyone. In my case, I wanted all details because the thoughts in my head were much worse and I couldn't deal with him sharing something with her that I was out of the loop on. He also cut the friendship with her but he still has work projects with her and she still tries to start personal conversations, etc. which he tells me about. At this point, it just seems to irritate him (he says he no longer has any feelings for her and feels she somewhat manipulated him when he was looking for a friend but also takes full responsibility for what happened) so I think he's partly irritated by that and also that he feels he needs to tell me every time they talk and he dreads it as he doesn't want to upset me. I think the only way we've come to where we are now (which is a good place in our marriage) is through having some serious long talks about what each of us were feeling about each other at that time and why we were so distant. We both realized we really love each other and had what we wanted all along with each other, we just weren't expressing our love for one another as we should have been. Since those talks, we've started 'dating' again. We are both very introverted and now make a point to talk about things we would normally keep to ourselves (work, kids, finances, etc.) and it makes us both feel we are more of a team now. We go to the gym together, and basically really enjoy being with each other and make sure the other always feels loved and appreciated. Even knowing how we are today, I still would not be able to deal with him traveling on business with her (thankfully that won't happen). I do think it is in his court (and in your case your wife's) to rebuild the trust but up to both of us to create and maintain the type of marriage that makes us both happy.