Trying to heal

Hi everyone. Sorry if this is long....

I'm the new kid in town here. I guess I'm just looking for some advice. I guess I'm a lot like most others here in the fact that I'm dealing with my wife's EA. We have a 3 year old son and have been together 9 years and married 4 and a half years.

Found out about it back in January, but didn't actually get her to admit it until five days later after my discovery catching her at his house. She told me that there were communication problems in our marriage and I had seemed to be distant from the relationship that led her into the affair. To me this was the last thing I expected. I knew we had been having a hard time communicating toward each other the last year. I had taken on a new job and was under tremendous stress and trying to learn how to deal with it and balance work requirements and family life. I guess I was caught between the stress of my job and trying to be a good husband. I was not perfect in my attempt, but I did realize that I had to work on myself and get help from my doctor and I did seek out that help. I had let my wife know that I understood the way I had been and was sorry for making her feel that way and neglecting her, but was committed to doing the right thing for the family to bring me back to the guy she married. Well....The day I go to the doctor is the day she admitted to the EA. I was completely blindsided, and devastated to say the least. Of course all of the who, where, when, and why started coming to mind and sent my mind and body into massive anxiety attacks.

Since the discovery I told my wife that in order for us to continue that I would need no contact to the OM if we were going to work on our marriage. I also told her that in order for me to trust her I wanted complete disclosure of phone records, email and chat records. She said that she would be willing to do that because she wanted the family to work. All of this of course never happened and she changed all her passwords and made me have to play investigator. A role I hate more than anything but I go with my gut and so far have not been wrong.

Well since that time, I have caught her on multiple times lying to me about continuing to contact this guy. Even going out to lunch with him after all of this and then lying to me about it. Each time she's says that she is sorry and will not contact him again. She has told me that maybe we should have a trial separation, which I do not want. I have tried to be reasonable but through our conversations I still don't feel like the truth about the affair has been the full truth. She told me finally that this guy thinks that he is in love with her and that she feels like she wants to have sex with him. That made me think, yeah a trial separation... so you can go and have sex with your little boyfriend and do what you want to really be doing instead of working on our marriage.
I almost threw up hearing that. She at this point has been completely emotionally shut off for the last week. Only recently when we have talked that she has began to admit more pieces of the story. So...I still think there's more to this story.

In our last talk she said that she does not know why she feels the way she does for him or why she continues to want to talk to him, but I was very stern is telling her that IF she is serious about our family then actions speak louder than words. That I have heard all of the "I'm sorry and won't do it again" or "I want to work on our family" lines and that I thought it was all complete BS and would not take anymore of her excuses. I also let her know that I have given her every opportunity to show me through actions and not words that she is committed to being a part of our family. I am a forgiving person, but do not mistake my compassion for weakness.

So now today. I asked her what exactly were her intentions and what exactly were her priorities? She told me that she wanted our family to work, (again I have heard that one more than a few times) and that she thought she needs to go to counseling. ( again heard that one to more than a few times over the last few months which has not happened) I completely agreed but I made it clear that I would not tolerate anymore lying, sneaking around or any other shady behavior or anymore contact with this guy. I almost feel like at times she keeps letting me catch her so that I will get mad enough to leave thereby removing her from any guilt of failure on the marriage. Which is so twisted it makes me sick to my stomach.

I hate what all this will do to my son and how it will affect him. I hate the fact that divorce maybe the only option.

But at what point do I call it a day and go get the lawyer?
One more chance? How many chances do you give someone and let them break your heart all over again? She has asked me that if we stayed together would I be able to move past this? I responded with as long as you keep this man in our life I will not move past it and will only move on with MY life. I will move on with or without you and not fall prey to this BS game she is playing any longer. I let her know that the only thing I have been able to trust is that she will lie to me and continue to make my life difficult and that I have not seen ANY effort on her part to work on us even when I have been doing anything I can to work on our marriage. I feel like I am alone in my efforts.

The only thing that has made me happy is being with my son. I am completely dedicated to his well being and will do what is best for him.