Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

nangie29 · 03-28-2008, 05:57 PM

Ok, I am new here and looking for a little advice. Please bare with me if this gets a little long winded.

I have been married for three years now. My husband has had only a couple serious relationships before we met so he has been single much of his adult life (he is 39). We have hardly any disagreements and we never argue but we have some issues that come up in our marriage over and over again. About a year or so into our marriage I was feeling like our sex life was a little dull and had suggested trying new things like new positions, new locations, a little suggestive talking etc. He felt a little embarrassed and confessed he felt unexperienced, but he agreed and a couple of times we experimented but a few weeks later we fell back into the same old routine and again it became a little dull.

About six months later, I was doing some cleaning and accidently found a provocative porn dvd. I was a little shocked since I had suggested us renting a few movies to spice things up a bit and he refused that idea rather quickly. I confronted him about the dvd (because it was a strange fetish type movie) and he said oh he used it every now and then when I was at work to satisfy himself but it was not an everyday type thing. I just told him it kinda made me feel like he was hiding something from me because I had never thought he was into that kind of thing. He assured me that it was something he didn't do very often and that he loves me and was very satisfied with our sex life. OK, no problem.

As time goes on, I am getting more and more dissatisfied with our sex life. He started having problems performing and I started feeling quite insecure. He ended up seeing a doctor and was put on cialis which was very embarrassing for him. He tried the medication a few times but was always saying he was afraid of side affects and really didn't want to take it that often. So, in turn sex life really starts sliding down hill and I am feeling unattractive and insecure.

Then one day I was on the computer and found some websites he had been visiting. They were all the same type of fetish porn websites that were the same as the dvd I had found. I didn't say anything for a few months but I checked the history every now and then and saw that he was visiting these sites regularly. I finally ended up confronting him when one day he had accessed these sites about 30 times in one day. I asked him if there was a reason he was visiting these sites but could not perform in his own sex life with his wife. I told him how insecure and unattractive I felt and this was starting to be a big concern for me. He profusely apologized and said he would get rid of all porn movies, magazines, and delete all memberships to these websites. He told me he felt like he may have an addiction and the reason he could probably not perform well was because he would masturbate to these movies. He quickly threw everything in the trash and vowed to work on our marriage and sex life.

Things got better for us for a few months following that incident but here recently I had noticed a decline in his lack of desire and things were getting bad again. A few days ago, my 2 year old son who is into everything brought me a dvd out of the cabinet and again it was another porn dvd that I had no idea about. I feel like I have been lied to over and over again and am losing trust in him. I checked the computer and of course the history was full of those same fetish sites as before and I also learned he had been paying $15 a month for one and $30 a month for another one. After confronting him he apologizes again and promises things will get better between us. I just don't know if I can believe him anymore and feel like I need to constantly ask him to just be honest.

I am not completely against porn but when I feel it is being hidden from me and it is affecting our sex life I just don't feel he should continue watching it. I have tried so hard on working on our sex life by communicating and doing anything I can to get him to open up to me but it is hard for him. Is just being honest too much to ask? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

03-28-2008, 05:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
nangie29 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 8	How important is honesty? Ok, I am new here and looking for a little advice. Please bare with me if this gets a little long winded. I have been married for three years now. My husband has had only a couple serious relationships before we met so he has been single much of his adult life (he is 39). We have hardly any disagreements and we never argue but we have some issues that come up in our marriage over and over again. About a year or so into our marriage I was feeling like our sex life was a little dull and had suggested trying new things like new positions, new locations, a little suggestive talking etc. He felt a little embarrassed and confessed he felt unexperienced, but he agreed and a couple of times we experimented but a few weeks later we fell back into the same old routine and again it became a little dull. About six months later, I was doing some cleaning and accidently found a provocative porn dvd. I was a little shocked since I had suggested us renting a few movies to spice things up a bit and he refused that idea rather quickly. I confronted him about the dvd (because it was a strange fetish type movie) and he said oh he used it every now and then when I was at work to satisfy himself but it was not an everyday type thing. I just told him it kinda made me feel like he was hiding something from me because I had never thought he was into that kind of thing. He assured me that it was something he didn't do very often and that he loves me and was very satisfied with our sex life. OK, no problem. As time goes on, I am getting more and more dissatisfied with our sex life. He started having problems performing and I started feeling quite insecure. He ended up seeing a doctor and was put on cialis which was very embarrassing for him. He tried the medication a few times but was always saying he was afraid of side affects and really didn't want to take it that often. So, in turn sex life really starts sliding down hill and I am feeling unattractive and insecure. Then one day I was on the computer and found some websites he had been visiting. They were all the same type of fetish porn websites that were the same as the dvd I had found. I didn't say anything for a few months but I checked the history every now and then and saw that he was visiting these sites regularly. I finally ended up confronting him when one day he had accessed these sites about 30 times in one day. I asked him if there was a reason he was visiting these sites but could not perform in his own sex life with his wife. I told him how insecure and unattractive I felt and this was starting to be a big concern for me. He profusely apologized and said he would get rid of all porn movies, magazines, and delete all memberships to these websites. He told me he felt like he may have an addiction and the reason he could probably not perform well was because he would masturbate to these movies. He quickly threw everything in the trash and vowed to work on our marriage and sex life. Things got better for us for a few months following that incident but here recently I had noticed a decline in his lack of desire and things were getting bad again. A few days ago, my 2 year old son who is into everything brought me a dvd out of the cabinet and again it was another porn dvd that I had no idea about. I feel like I have been lied to over and over again and am losing trust in him. I checked the computer and of course the history was full of those same fetish sites as before and I also learned he had been paying $15 a month for one and $30 a month for another one. After confronting him he apologizes again and promises things will get better between us. I just don't know if I can believe him anymore and feel like I need to constantly ask him to just be honest. I am not completely against porn but when I feel it is being hidden from me and it is affecting our sex life I just don't feel he should continue watching it. I have tried so hard on working on our sex life by communicating and doing anything I can to get him to open up to me but it is hard for him. Is just being honest too much to ask? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks