Originally Posted by smileyjay
the question/concern and our 2 disagreements that we keep running in to quite often:
1. She feels like what I did to her is no different than what she did to me. In other words my running around drinking with my buddies and her not knowing where I was until after I already arrived at where I was going was the same as her having a full blown affair and falliing in love with another man for a year. Well I don't see that it is anywhere near the same thing and I wish she had just went out drinking and hanging with friends because knowing she actually cared for another man and slept with him and went out with him really hurts me. I know we were both in the wrong, but they are both VERY different things. I feel like what I did was wrong and inconsiderate however I don't feel like it was as devastating as what she did to me and our family and they are not the "same". So what do you think about my first concern?
It's hard to change how people FEEL about something, whether you agree or not. To your wife, you abandoned her in favor of drinking with your friends. To you, she abandoned you in favor of an affair with another man. You both felt abandoned...can you agree that both of you were hurt without having to agree on who hurt "more"?
Why do you both have to agree on whether it is the "same" or not? Can you agree to disagree?
2. I had a one night stand when I was away from home for work at a convention. I was drunk and my wife was not there and we were distant at the time of my one night stand (not trying to justify what I did, just trying to make you aware of what was going on at the time). On the other hand my wife had an affair for a year, sober, and actually had feelings for this man and she looks at it as the same as my one night stand. The only thing in my opinion that is similar is that we both had sex with another person, after that fact there is nothing similar. I feel like every time she had sex with this man or seen this man was like having another one stand on me. So the way I look at it, she had 50 one night stands (or however many times she actually seen this man) to my single one night stand. What are your thoughts on my second concern?
You can count days and nights, but that doesn't get you closer to healing and reconciling, if that's what you are trying to do. If you still feel a need to prove that what she did was "worse" than what you did, you are still thinking it is you vs. her. You are not thinking yet like a team. In a team, you support each other.
I think you have more healing (and talking) to do together. Both of you still have resentments built up that you need to talk through.