FuriousRose

Hi.I'm new here.I thought I should post in this forum because I think my husbands addictions have destroyed our marriage.I have been married for 18 years.All through our marriage I have had to deal with addictions that my husband gets into.The first was alchohol.I lived with his drinking and violence for 4 years.I finally gave him the choice of his family or alchohol and he stopped drinking.I knew it was very hard for him to stop and I was so thankful that he did.Then along came another addiction that probably hurt me even more than the drinking.He started to get into internet porn.At first I didn't realize it was a problem and then the signs started to show.He and my son started argueing over space being used up on the computer.My son came to me and told me that my husband had so much porn saved on the computer that he could'nt download any music or games.I was not happy that my 14 year old son had come to me and told me this.I asked my husband about it and explained to him that it was wrong for him to have porn on our family computer that our children also use.My daughter was only 8 years old at the time and I found out that she had been exposed to it as well.So he said he would stop and I believed him.After a few weeks I found that he hadn't stopped.He was just trying to hide it from me.Again he said he was sorry and that it would stop.More weeks went by and I thought it had stopped until I was in my daughters room and I found a note a friend had written to her during a sleepover at our house.It said"You're Dad is looking at pictures of real naked women."Then I was realy angry.Once again he said he would stop and me like an idiot believed him.Months went by and I tried to trust him but I was having a hard time with it.Then I started to think that there must be a reason why he was doing this and of course I blamed myself.So then I started to do sexual things that I realy didn't want to do but thought that if I did he would stop looking at the porn.This went on for a few months and I thought that things were good.Then came the big bomb.I found out that not only was he still looking at internet porn but he was doing it every night before he got into bed with me.My heart was broken and I felt like a *****.How could he do this to me.I just couldn't understand it.My self esteem was gone and I almost had a breakdown.This time I told him that our marriage was in serious trouble and that if he continued I would leave him.He said he was going to stop and I think he finally did but I don't know for sure because he lied so much.I don't think I will ever really believe him.How can I.This all happened 10 years ago and it still haunts me.It's had a huge impact on our sex life.It's never been the same.Now he is addicted to an online game and spends all his free time playing it,This started just after the porn addiction and has been going on for almost 10 years.We hardly have sex anymore because i am no longer attracted to him.Over the years I seem to have lost my passion for him.He say's he love's me and tells me I'm pretty all the time but I don't believe him.I do love him but I haven't been in love with him for a long time.I keep thinking that one day it might come back but after all these years I'm losing hope.I feel very alone and don't know if I should leave him or not.Anyone have any ideas that might help?I could really use a friend to talk to.I have no one.Thanks