Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Should a sexual connection be a deal breaker?

BrokenFrag · 03-31-2008, 12:25 PM

I have posted parts of my story over and over again trying to approach it from different perspectives so that I might understand it. To summarize, I married my best friend right out of college, we have been married for almost 8 years. We love each other, we are each other's best friend, we share lots of little connections and laugh alot. She recently started pulling away, then had an emotional affair with a coworker for several months. After much discussion, it has come down to sexual connections and attraction. She no longer finds me sexually attractive (and can't make that connection any more), and even thinks that she may never haver really found me attractive. She was my first love and lover and I have never had a lot of confidence in the bedroom, she was never able to put in the effort to help me and as a result I got more and more insecure until finally we stopped having sex. She is now contemplating divorce so that she can find someone she is more sexually attracted to.

First, how important is sexual attraction in a LONG TERM relationship? Most relationships won't get off the ground without at least something there (and we definitely had it at the beginning), but it inevitably fades and becomes something else more comfortable if we are lucky.

Second, if you have been married as long as we have and everything else matches up well, should it be a deal breaker?

I can completely understand her feelings and why she feels the way she feels. What I can't understand is why she wants to throw away not only a good marriage, but also a great friendship just so she can have better sex. Sex fades, bodies decay, and all you are left with is the underlying relationship.

I believe that she once found me attractive, and that she can again. My problem is that we are in a circular dance around the issue. I can't become sexually confident without her help, but she won't help me until she finds me attractive again. And even if we regained what we had (which she is doubtful of), she doesn't even know if that would be enough. She is fixated on what we don't have and has completely forgotten or ignored what we do have.

Any one have opinions or advice? Thanks.

03-31-2008, 12:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
BrokenFrag Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 81	Should a sexual connection be a deal breaker? I have posted parts of my story over and over again trying to approach it from different perspectives so that I might understand it. To summarize, I married my best friend right out of college, we have been married for almost 8 years. We love each other, we are each other's best friend, we share lots of little connections and laugh alot. She recently started pulling away, then had an emotional affair with a coworker for several months. After much discussion, it has come down to sexual connections and attraction. She no longer finds me sexually attractive (and can't make that connection any more), and even thinks that she may never haver really found me attractive. She was my first love and lover and I have never had a lot of confidence in the bedroom, she was never able to put in the effort to help me and as a result I got more and more insecure until finally we stopped having sex. She is now contemplating divorce so that she can find someone she is more sexually attracted to. First, how important is sexual attraction in a LONG TERM relationship? Most relationships won't get off the ground without at least something there (and we definitely had it at the beginning), but it inevitably fades and becomes something else more comfortable if we are lucky. Second, if you have been married as long as we have and everything else matches up well, should it be a deal breaker? I can completely understand her feelings and why she feels the way she feels. What I can't understand is why she wants to throw away not only a good marriage, but also a great friendship just so she can have better sex. Sex fades, bodies decay, and all you are left with is the underlying relationship. I believe that she once found me attractive, and that she can again. My problem is that we are in a circular dance around the issue. I can't become sexually confident without her help, but she won't help me until she finds me attractive again. And even if we regained what we had (which she is doubtful of), she doesn't even know if that would be enough. She is fixated on what we don't have and has completely forgotten or ignored what we do have. Any one have opinions or advice? Thanks.