| | lonliness to pornography to an affair?
I have never done this before, not sure why I am doing this now, I know I am in trouble deep, I guess I am hoping against hope that somebody can help me.
I am a Christian man, or at least strive to be. Fallen and sinful, but redeemed by the grace of Jesus (sorry to the non-religious if you find this offensive).
I have been married for 15 years. I have an 8 year old daughter.
After my daughter was born, my wife has always slept in bed with my daughter. She does not care if I sleep in the same bed or not, and there simply is not enough room for the 3 of us. Most nights I sleep alone in a single bed.
I have gone through several periods of up to 2 years without any sexual relationship with my wife, not because I want it this way, she simply refuses to sleep with me. For the last 5 years we probably have sex about once every 6 months, and she never initiates it, and she usually rejects my advances. I have almost given up trying. In fact she often shums my attempts to hug or kiss her. I am a normal man with normal sex drives, I basically need sexual intimacey once or twice a week most weeks to be content, and more often would be nice. Is that excessive?
In desperation I guess, I resorted to viewing pornography and masturbating to find some relief. I am very dissappointed in myself, but the lonliness is too much for me to bear, and I am not wanting to have an affair. I go through periods of feeling ashamed and I don't view pornography for periods of up to 6 months, and then I succumb again. I feel perverted, but I need some sexual outlet. I am hurting, but my wife seems completely oblivious to my needs and my suffering.
My wife has stated a number of times that since our daughter was born, she realises how much more important my daughter is to her than I am.
Strangely, in most other respects my wife and I have a good relationship, we share some common interests and talk about all sorts of things, and do quite a few things together, and we only argue and fight occasionally (never physical, just verbal).
About 2 years ago I met a lady who I simply clicked with. Actually it felt more like an atomic bomb going off in my heart, I don't recall feeling such attraction for a woman ever, and it hit me out of the blue. I never ever entertained the idea of looking for an affair. I resisted and ignored this potential friendship/affair for almost 2 years. However, in the last month we have started sending SMS messages to each other almost everyday, nothing dirty or overtly wrong, but subtley expressing affection and desire for each other.
The urge to run with this relationship is becoming overwhelming. As ashamed as I am, if I am honest, I want to have a secret love affair with this woman. I know it is wrong, I know it is immoral, I know it is destructive, I know it would destroy my wife and my daughter if they knew, I know it won't bring long term happiness, but the urge is OVERWHELMING. This is insanity, I know it is insanity, but I am finding the temptation overwhelming.
I do not want to destroy my family, and betray my christian faith, and break my marriage vows, and have to live a double life of deceit.
I am truelly in trouble deep. Any help or suggestions?
To any ladies reading this, please don't judge me as some weirdo pervert. Men really truelly do need a healthy sexual relationship, and it is very very destructive and hurtful to deprive your husbands of it. The pain I feel is every bit as real as many women feel when they are emotionally abused by their husbands.