desert-rose

Perhaps I'm just ashamed that it didn't work out and I can't stop wishing that it did. I tried with everything I have in me. Maybe that's all there is to it. I hate to see him depicted as a bad person (by anyone, even by me), because I don't think he is a bad person, just a person with a bad temper who can be really immature and selfish and manipulative and aggressive in order to get his way sometimes. He's also capable of being generous, kind, loving, sensitive, smart, and fun. He's the only person I've ever loved or felt any real connection to, so letting go feels a lot like cutting myself into pieces. But, this isn't really about love, is it? I guess that if he isn't willing to compromise, isn't even willing to discuss that there's a problem, then there's no way for anything to change at all...so, maybe he just doesn't care and doesn't want to work things out. If I'm willing to let him dictate everything, then I can't object; if he won't accept my objection and treat me with respect, then it means he will only accept things on his own terms. I used to be a strong person. That was when I wasn't foolish enough to believe that there was such a thing as love. I don't think I like love because it's making me act like a complete idiot. I think I need to remove sentiment from my life and just let the head take over. He acts like he doesn't want me around, so I'm going to assume it means he doesn't. This sucks.