Thank you for your feedback
Let me make it clear,I've never physically cheated on my partner NOR have I ever wanted to. I do feel guilty that I deceived him into believing I did in order to bring us closer.
I felt at a crossroad at that point. I was trying to find a happy medium-he either didn't hear,or cared to hear I wasn't interested...so I thought what now?
Once his impotence from the early days wasn't an issue(it took about five years to bounce back)...I find out from talking to him that he had always carried a huge amount of guilt towards masturbations and sex. We spent many years working on that one too-him picking fights days after we're together-finding out that the fight had to do with his guilt and reflecting his anger off of me for it. When that issue had eventually been worked out...then it was finding out he was flirting with coworkers-before the whole fantasy of me being with other men cropped up.
He stated shortly after talking about the fantasy that he found me more attractive thinking other men wanted me,and that there was a perceived risk of losing me. So this is where I decided to indulge him-make him believe he could lose me. At that point he changed his mind on the whole idea.
It's cropped up again...and I have a belief that after finding out he's big into flirting,that his fantasy probably has more to do with his wanting to run off with another woman without the guilt complex.
I've always been attracted to my partner. I always loved his charisma and energy as well. I take responsibility for not always being a hottie for him through having three kids and being pregnant 10 times. I own the fact that I have not always been 100% supportive or mature in ways I could have been for him as well.