Originally Posted by Toni Toni
he saw him father beat his mother as a child. He had to come to her defense when he was 6 years old. As a teenager my husband took on the responsibility of most of the house bills. He made sure the gas and electric stayed on for the family. He took on the role of a father in his childhood home. His mother eventually moved out and his father stayed at the family home until he passed away several years ago. My husband has been watching over his mother ever since and still provides financially for her.
And you think this is the reason he wants to help people out to the extent that he does? It's very confusing when he says it's something that he has to do, whether or not you like it. He admits it is selfish. When talking about what is essentially a selfless act. So he is doing it then for the benefit of how it makes him feel?
My husband came from an abusive home similar to your husbands, he was the oldest of 6 so took on the parenting role. He was also in the crossfire of the abuse. He does not financially provide for his mother now though. He seems to be the opposite of your husband. He will help people out sure, but he is very independant and focused just on our family so he can raise his child the right way with love and distrusts a lot of people. I just wonder WHY your husband feels this overwhelming desire. Perhaps he would benefit from IC. Until he lets go whatever it is inside his head, he can not fully focus on you. It seems you have done what you can do.
Your wanting communication and to feel loved and valued shouldn't be up for debate. It shouldn't be whenever he has time. Other important things to do. Maybe you feel you can't get too upset with him over this as he is out helping people. Well, you most certainly can. It's not what he's doing that is the issue, it's what it's taking away from you. And the lying. It is your life and your marriage too. Be as assertive as you can, tell him plainly how you feel and what is he going to put on the table to bring this relationship together. Maybe he wouldn't take you for granted and put more of an effort in if you weren't around so much tending to his needs. I'm really sorry you feel like this. Nobody gets married to feel alone.