I felt the same way as you when I discovered porn on my husband's computer. He also had trouble talking about it with me, I think because he was embarrassed and taught it was wrong but on the other hand knows many men do it so he was able to justify it as normal as long as no one found out. I ended up doing a lot of research online, and was able to talk more with him about what I found and am now at peace with it (I really have no feelings of insecurity about it anymore) so will share with you my experience if it might help you in any way. I know there are very strong opinions on the subject but what I did find pretty consistently was that men are genetically wired to mate with as many women as possible (as other animals) so it is somewhat natural for them to look at women and imagine them sexually. Ok, so that was hard for me to read, but I did find it in several places, so just took it as fact. There were also several articles that stated that men used porn to satisfy these sexual urges either because their sex drive is higher than their spouses or they are highly stressed and masturbating to porn doesn't require them to satisfy anyone's needs but their own (selfish, yes)...and it took care of the natural urges WITHOUT actually being with another woman or making actual contact with other women in sex chat rooms, etc. BECAUSE they are attracted to their spouse and do love them and have no intention of cheating or wanting someone other than their wife. Then I had somewhat of a revelation. I asked my husband "So does that mean when a guy checks me out or eyes me up and down a certain way, he's thinking about sex?" and he smiled and said "Probably"...cool...that's an ego boost then...I've been reading books trying to learn about men and am finding that for being 45 married and 3 kids, I'm pretty naive! I just thought they liked my outfit or something...not trying to picture me without it
As far as him showing affection/flirting it sounds more like that's his personality and it's not natural for him...I can see why that can be frustrating for you. I read the 5 love languages and bought my husband the audio book...it did help to enlighten us both because while we both loved each other neither of us felt it from the other for a while so it really made us both put a conscious effort into making sure the other knows they are loved and appreciated in whatever way they respond to in order to feel loved. He may be showing his love for you in other ways (helping around the house, etc.) that you may not be responding to. I think talking about how you feel would be great...I still have difficult conversations with my husband but have told him up front that I don't enjoy talking about these things and I certainly don't do it to punish him and I know he doesn't like these discussions but I really want to clear my head. Part of these talks always end up about how great things are now and he knows I'm looking forward. I really make sure not to put him on the defensive when we talk. JMHO and experience.