Coping

I need to vent. We have attented our first meeting with a physcotherapist a week ago, I finally spoke about this with someone face to face but since I have not been able to bring myself to discussing this situation with anyone else because I feel so ashamed and embarrased about it, I am here to vent and hope that someone comments or makes suggestions.

How to begin this one... It has been seven weeks now since he confessed his infidelity. Some days are better than others but the thoughts cloud my mind everyday, several times a day, and it brings me down big time. For example, I have been up since 3:40am and I started this at about 5:00am.

For those of you who read my previous post, I confronted him about his trip to the west coast. When I asked him about it he just sat there staring at me. I could see the look of surprise, actually it was more like shock, in his eyes that I had knowledge of this outing. Eventually he admitted it. Not like he had much choice, I have concrete proof of the outing and yet another lie. I had asked him several times prior to this date if they ever went out and he would say no, wasn't going to take a chance and be seen by someone.

Aside from that fact that he lied to me several times when I would ask him, what also hurt about this particular outing is two things, first, he got the idea of taking her there for the day while being there with me and our daughters just five days before (we were there on a Saturday and he took her there on the Thursday that followed). But the main reason for which it hurts even worst is that the west coast is where him and I spent the weekend celebrating our engagement, purchased my ring and he proposed again (this time with the ring in hand).

I went balistic on him. I told him that not only did he bold face lie to me several times about not having gone out in public with her but of all the places to go he took her to where him and I celebrated our engagement.

That night I also discovered that the week of Valentines Day (the week of his confession) he sent her a $60.00 bouquet of flowers. What did I get? Jack sh*t. No wait, that is not true, I got my heart shattered as I felt my world falling apart all around me.

He called this "an affair". I call it "having a girlfriend". It is not like he just hooked up with her once or even twice. He was involved with her for six months.

I have not yet spoken to the paramour (to put it nicely), I guess that is one of the reasons why I feel the way I do. I have been wanting to confront her and make her aware that I know exactly who she is, just like she knows exactly who I am. (we had met a couple of years ago and the three of us along with someone else spent time together chit chatting). The only reason for which I have not spoken to her is because they work for the same company and the company will fire both of them for this. Not that I give a damn if she gets fired but I can not afford for him to get fired because it will affect us financially.

I was so numb that the days after the confession I did not even think to get her on the phone. About three weeks after the revelation we got into an argument and I started dialing her phone number using his phone. He went crazy, which only makes me wonder what else he is hiding. He said that he did not want for her to think that he was calling for her. I told him that he was not going to be the one talking to her and that I would be sure to make it perfectly clear to her that it was me. I had no intentions of him speaking to her. I wanted to call from his phone because I knew that she would recognize his number and I wanted to hear how she would answer the phone thinking that it was him calling for her.

After a while he stated that she had said to him "if she calls me I will tell her so many lies". But I feel that it is that there is more than what he is letting on to. Not to say that she would not tell me any lies but that she might reveal something that he hasn't. Like they say, there are two sides to every story.

As for my feelings at this point in time. I still feel extremely hurt for being betrayed in this way. I also feel like he totally disrespected me because he would call her and he would take her calls while he was home with me. Of course since I use to trust him so completely and never invaded his privacy I would not ask who he was talking to and just went about whatever it was that I was doing at the time. I feel like such an idiot in all of this. Also, at times I feel as if I want to talk to her but I feel as if that is something that I should have done early on, not seven weeks later.

I am aware that I have rambled on but there is so much happening and my mind is not straight with so many invading thoughts and visions. I just needed to do some venting.