| | Re: Another frustrated husband
I've been exactly where you are. Stayed there over 8 years and it's no fun. My situation improved around the same time I just quit focusing on what I wasn't getting. Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get and I'm sure opportunities surround you daily. For 30 years, you have decided every day that you choose your wife over "great" sex. Apparently, she's bringing something to the table that you value more. She can't prevent you from having sex, so if you're not having sex as you wish, it is not her fault but a joint agreement. Lots of folks are getting laid daily but would kill to have a 30 year relationship. All depends on what one values the most, I suppose. It's not her against you. It's the both of you facing a common problem. She's not getting any more than you are and she's probably not happy about it, either. Nobody likes to feel like a failure or a disappointment and I believe women handle that sort of thing even worse than men. Complain about the lack of sex and you'll make her feel like a failure. This is very hard to do but it has worked well for me. I suggest you give up trying to "fix" the sex frequency/quality. Your job is not to attend to your own sexual satisfaction. That's what she signed up to do. Your job is to be the best husband you can be and to attend to your wife's needs. I'll catch heat for saying this, but I firmly believe the transaction between men and women has always been an exchange of security for sex/nurturing. If she feels insecure, you won't be getting very much sex. Figure out what makes her feel secure with you and pour it on. You can train your brain to think of her as your enemy or you can train it to think of her as God's blessing to you. Each of us has to justify our every action to ourselves. If she withholds sex, she must justify to herself that this is her right or that your expectations are unreasonable. If you quit expecting sex, she can't use that justification and her withholding will become unreasonable in her own mind. Likewise, every time you attend to her needs, you must justify to yourself that she deserves your kindness. The more you do, the more it feels "right". You will not only feel more loving, but also feel more loved. I didn't use this approach because I expected more sex; but just because I got sick and tired of feeling bitter and arguing with my wife about sex. Anyway, I tried it and life is more peaceful and sex has increased dramatically. They still aren't going to write any porno books about us but life is world's better than it used to be (for both of us).