Tasorundo

My mother was shocked. She was not upset, just saddened. Like most people around us, I think they felt that we were the least likely couple they knew to be going through this. We got along great together, we spend a lot of time together with friends. We joke, laugh, touch, and are from all outside accounts open and honest with everyone.

It is terrible that I let my hidden obsessions destroy what we had. I know that it is a sign that we needed some work. That I, more than anything, needed a lot of work.

To update on how it is going at home: It has been about 56 hours since I told her about my ONS. I left work early yesterday to spend time with her. Neither of us has been eating, so I picked up one of her favorite meals on the way home. We talked a while. I made an appointment with a counselor and we met him at 2pm. I have an appointment to go back for a solo session early next week. Additionally, we are starting a support system through the church where we can work through this with other people in similar situations.

I have started reading one of two books recommended to me by a friend and the counselor.

I am very concerned about her and I feel like right now there is a lot of focus on me. Not that I don't need it, but I worry about supporting her. I can listen to her describe her emotions, but other than holding her and apologizing to her there is not much I can do. I hope that we can get her someone to help unpack her feelings better than I can. Perhaps this is what is needed and it is time that will heal, but it is tough to feel so helpless.

I had not shaved since I returned home from the trip. I know she dislikes stubble, and I felt like it would keep her from trying to kiss me. Whether it was for her or me, I don't know. During our talks yesterday, we decided I should shave and that I should kiss her. I knew it would be rough, and it was. I kissed her a couple times, not passionately, but easing into physical contact gradually. She started crying and I held her until we fell asleep.

I did not expect it to be any better then that. I hope that by the time we decide to progress to anything more, that we have both done a lot of healing.

On that note, we have talked about my std testing, and I think that we should wait until we can effectively rule out anything. I understand that odds that I have HIV are incredibly low, but the fact that there is a chance makes me wary. She said that she does not want to wait 3 months to resume sexual contact, but I think it would be beneficial for us. Late next week, I will get screened for everything, and pay the extra cost for an RNA analysis to test for HIV. However, that test is not a guarantee and they recommend testing of antibodies at 3 and 6 months.

We have also decided that she is going to come with me on my trip April 16th. We have arranged for our son to stay with my parents for the 3 nights we will be gone.

I asked her out on a date this weekend. In someway, I am hoping that if we can start over, it might help. If I can court her and we can date for these months while we wait for test results, that maybe we can get something of what we had back. My 3 month test results will be back before our 17th anniversary. I was hoping that I might ask her to marry me again, in the same spot as the first time. It all sounds so cheesy and hollow. It is hard to know what is a good idea right now.

Sorry for rambling, feel free to comment on any of the above.