Originally Posted by omega
Moxy, I think what you say in your first paragraph ... all those things are things she has probably been trying to do and is feeling exhausted by. He can expect these things of her. It's up to her to decide if she wants to give them. But these are the hallmarks of a deeply unhealthy relationship. She may not be ready to have a healthy relationship - I wasn't for years and I knew it - but if the 'answer' to her is "walk on eggshells"... that isn't fair to her.
The first paragraph would be how to keep him from going away. I would not suggest that OP do these things. They are self-effacing things that do not consider her needs at all. It is exhausting to live entirely for someone else and walking on eggshells truly sucks, but I paint the bleak picture intentionally to show that it will be just that. It is an option, just not a likely appealing option for OP. However, given the way she has described this relationship, he isn't going to stick around for any other reason than to keep using her. So those are her two choices: 1)allow herself to be used and erased, or 2)recognize that this is not healthy and step back. I don't think that OP will find this relationship healthy or fulfilling and in my opinion, she should take a step back from it until and unless he makes an effort to be less of a shady narcissist.
In my opinion, it is likely that he is a little outside of reality. He's playing head games with her. It gives him a thrill. That's why he's sending the cryptic, mysterious messages...so he can be mysterious and therefore keep her in his thrall by employing manipulative and unpredictable behaviors to keep her on her toes. It is also unlikely that he is going to change for the better. I think these mood cycles will probably continue unpredictably and will deepen in intensity over time; his need for her to be an anchor will increase and her inability to be an anchor will also increase. The relationship is most likely going to become parasitic if it hasn't already. I suggest that if OP doesn't want to erase herself entirely, she resist the fascination that draws her toward him and prevent herself from becoming more enmeshed. I suspect OP has had other people in her life that take advantage and exploit boundaries.
This would be a useful website to read: http://samvak.tripod.com/malignantselflove.html