Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

Lon · 04-11-2012, 12:28 PM

CharlotteMarie, I am sorry if my comments on the other thread were off topic or sounded mean. I am certianly not anti-marriage, but nor do I believe marriage EVER solves a problem, in fact it amplifies unresolved problems and in your case you readily admit you have many problems. It is wonderful that you have this kind caring man who is supporting you and showing you love - you have attached yourself to him as I believe our hearts are meant to do, but the blind faith you seem to have in him is very disturbing because he is not a perfect person either, nor can he do a single thing to fix the things you want to fix. When you pin your happiness on someone else you are setting yourself up to fail... you should look up codependency and realize that if you expect things to happen because you love this man and want to treat him well but by using him to fix you you are placing a huge burden on his shoulders, one that he cannot carry indefinitely. You say he will always be there but you've known him less than a year, there are so many things that you have yet to discover about him, things he is hiding whether intentionally or not. If he cannot carry your load, he faces stress or anxiety (as will happen in EVERY marriage at certain times) and breaks down, how will you be there to support him when that is what he needs?

It just seems that you are rushing into marriage as a romantic gesture to show him how much you are grateful for him and how much you are in love, willing to throw all else to the wind... that sounds wonderful except it is not an approach that can ever last. Unless this is for religious beliefs, there really is no reason or benefit to being married to someone. Just be with him, love him, love yourself and wait so that in two years, 5 years or 7 years down the road when you both have changed, if you've grown apart and are no longer willing or able to meet each others needs you will be saving so much more stress and difficulty (especially since you have such overwhelming anxiety issues).

I wish the best for you, and though you know I think marriage is not a good idea for someone like you, I just hope you can stop and deliberate and hopefully defer this marriage for another year or two atleast... but if you go through this weekend I send you my congratulations and wishes for a lifetime of happiness together. Please don't be afraid to come back to this board and post updates and use the people here to help with the challenges many of us have faced and gone through as well.

04-11-2012, 12:28 PM	#25 (permalink)
Lon Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Canada Posts: 5,701	Re: What am I supposed to do about this? CharlotteMarie, I am sorry if my comments on the other thread were off topic or sounded mean. I am certianly not anti-marriage, but nor do I believe marriage EVER solves a problem, in fact it amplifies unresolved problems and in your case you readily admit you have many problems. It is wonderful that you have this kind caring man who is supporting you and showing you love - you have attached yourself to him as I believe our hearts are meant to do, but the blind faith you seem to have in him is very disturbing because he is not a perfect person either, nor can he do a single thing to fix the things you want to fix. When you pin your happiness on someone else you are setting yourself up to fail... you should look up codependency and realize that if you expect things to happen because you love this man and want to treat him well but by using him to fix you you are placing a huge burden on his shoulders, one that he cannot carry indefinitely. You say he will always be there but you've known him less than a year, there are so many things that you have yet to discover about him, things he is hiding whether intentionally or not. If he cannot carry your load, he faces stress or anxiety (as will happen in EVERY marriage at certain times) and breaks down, how will you be there to support him when that is what he needs? It just seems that you are rushing into marriage as a romantic gesture to show him how much you are grateful for him and how much you are in love, willing to throw all else to the wind... that sounds wonderful except it is not an approach that can ever last. Unless this is for religious beliefs, there really is no reason or benefit to being married to someone. Just be with him, love him, love yourself and wait so that in two years, 5 years or 7 years down the road when you both have changed, if you've grown apart and are no longer willing or able to meet each others needs you will be saving so much more stress and difficulty (especially since you have such overwhelming anxiety issues). I wish the best for you, and though you know I think marriage is not a good idea for someone like you, I just hope you can stop and deliberate and hopefully defer this marriage for another year or two atleast... but if you go through this weekend I send you my congratulations and wishes for a lifetime of happiness together. Please don't be afraid to come back to this board and post updates and use the people here to help with the challenges many of us have faced and gone through as well.