You are coming up with excuses to cover up the fact that you are afraid of change and loss.
Here is a newsflash-the change and loss already happened. You just didn't realize it until now because your wife kept it a secret from you.
Welcome to reality. You have been living an illusion, due to your understandable attempts to live in denial. How has it been working for you?
Does your situation suck? Yes.
Will sticking your head in the sand help? No.
Will sticking your head in the sand make it worse? Yes.
You can continue to be treated with disrespect and let your wife cake eat, you can walk away, or you can raise hell.
Only raising hell will potentially save your marriage. If it does, it will get worse before it gets better, but you at least have a chance with option 3.
Your life, your choice. Your choices so far have gotten you where you are today, which is in an awful place. MAYBE you should consider trying something different-Manning up.