Hi Browncoat ~
I hope you'll keep us updated on your progress. It's often recommended that people go to a sex therapist, but we don't very often get to see a couple who does and how it goes.
Did your therapist say anything about coconut oil as a potential lube? Sounds like your wife has a lot of sensitivity in her genitals - she climaxes easily and quickly (can she please give me some of that - I am the opposite!).
So, I'll ask an impertinent question ... please don't take it the wrong way. Do you think your wife feels pressured or somehow inadequate that she may not measure up to the level of passion and function that you want? I mean, having a huge amount of passion and lust every single time you have sex (and especially if you often encounter pain with it) seems like an unrealistic expectation. Do you feel like you have realistic expectations (making love 3x a day while you have 4 children and a wife with pain problems doesn't seem realistic)?
And the last bit ... about potential abuse or shame ... most definitely can have an impact on a person's sexual life. The experiences we have as a child shape and mold us into the people that we are. It might be something to think about her exploring ... it may be <unconsciously> one of the things that holds her back from being as free as she could be.