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Lifescript · 04-12-2012, 10:33 AM

Jayb: I can relate to what you're saying. I think I'm a further along in the detachment from spouse process than you but just last night when I was leaving my old apt my STBXW had a nice conversation and was wearing her sleeping clothes (kind of sexy) and I felt like hugging her - there was a connection. Perhaps I was just horny, don't know.

This is what I can tell you. You don't have to hate your ex. The key here for you to regain your wife or move on with your life is to understand that no one on this earth is worth you putting yourself down for. You deserve to be happy and no one except you should have control over your life. You and ex were not born tied at the hip. You can live without her. You just have to build up confidence (that's what the 180 is for) and set yourself up for success in all aspects of your life.

Another thing ... don't fall into the trap of thinking that the reason she can't love you/show you appreciation is because she has some kind of disease. My STBXW has dealt with depression/low self esteem issues for a long time since her teenage years before she met me. I stayed and took a lot of abuse from her in our marriage thinking she just didn't know better and her condition dictated her actions. Well she was a good friend to her friends and lover to OM with no problems which to me meant that it was all BS.

Even if she has a condition ... to escape the situation and free yourself from it you have to adopt the mindset that this is not your problem. If he has a problem she has to deal with it and try to fix her issues herself.

But this is what's most telling and I hope you think about it: If it was you who had the "problem" say you had a condition that prevent you from loving her, would she stick with you unconditionally and love you nonetheless?

My STBXW in her crazy way not only didn't thank me for sticking around and loving her regardless of her faults, she portrayed me as the crazy one who needed directions, in her own words "a failure" and blamed me for all the stuff she was doing to me (projection).

04-12-2012, 10:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
Lifescript Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,381	Re: so difficult Jayb: I can relate to what you're saying. I think I'm a further along in the detachment from spouse process than you but just last night when I was leaving my old apt my STBXW had a nice conversation and was wearing her sleeping clothes (kind of sexy) and I felt like hugging her - there was a connection. Perhaps I was just horny, don't know. This is what I can tell you. You don't have to hate your ex. The key here for you to regain your wife or move on with your life is to understand that no one on this earth is worth you putting yourself down for. You deserve to be happy and no one except you should have control over your life. You and ex were not born tied at the hip. You can live without her. You just have to build up confidence (that's what the 180 is for) and set yourself up for success in all aspects of your life. Another thing ... don't fall into the trap of thinking that the reason she can't love you/show you appreciation is because she has some kind of disease. My STBXW has dealt with depression/low self esteem issues for a long time since her teenage years before she met me. I stayed and took a lot of abuse from her in our marriage thinking she just didn't know better and her condition dictated her actions. Well she was a good friend to her friends and lover to OM with no problems which to me meant that it was all BS. Even if she has a condition ... to escape the situation and free yourself from it you have to adopt the mindset that this is not your problem. If he has a problem she has to deal with it and try to fix her issues herself. But this is what's most telling and I hope you think about it: If it was you who had the "problem" say you had a condition that prevent you from loving her, would she stick with you unconditionally and love you nonetheless? My STBXW in her crazy way not only didn't thank me for sticking around and loving her regardless of her faults, she portrayed me as the crazy one who needed directions, in her own words "a failure" and blamed me for all the stuff she was doing to me (projection).