| | Re: I don't know what to do with this option, please help
Let me say, I don't have the answer(s) you are looking for, if any at all; but I did want you to know that you are not alone and I have read your post.
It sounds like you still have a lot of pain and confusion and while both of you have grown, his inconsistent behavior still has you on the fence. That does seem like a long way to go; having to leave everything you know and have built (is he there because that is where he is stationed?)...however, with that said, at some point in your life, you were so in love with him that you did it before. Now that you have grown up and you have more cares/worries burdening you, it does not make that move seem quite as easy; cause you know the potential outcome.
It sounds like you want it to work and you have worked on yourself in hopes of it being better when this day came. So the day is here and you have to make a decision. The question is this: do you move with him (which you both probably need to be in the same place to see full growth and the ultimate plan for the future) and work on your marriage together? do you try to continue to do it separate; who knows when you may be together again? or do you leave it all alone and stay in your comfort zone where things are safe and you know what to expect?
Is it possible that you could go there for a few months and see how it works before you leave the life you have? I know anyone can act for a few months; however, when you live with someone you tend to see the things you can not deal with sooner than you would if you were separated.
Moving doesn't end your life, it just relocates it. You will re-establish where ever you go; scary? yes., impossible? no. It actually may help you to be away from your support system. You can always go home. It is a hassle, but is it worth it? Marriage is about committment and compromise...moving right now seems to be the ultimate compromise for you. Does he know/realize that? does he know the intensity of his desire to have you down there and what that means to you?
You definitely need to speak with him about it and try to help him understand your concern is not right now, but moreso about your future. Maybe once you guys talk about it, he may feel that it may not be the right time to move down there, if he realizes how deeply it is going to affect you etc. Not saying that he doesn't want to be with you; but he needs to realize that he needs to be in a good place where certain things can not happen and will not be tolerated; regardless of where you live. and if he can not accept and live by that, then you have to factor that into your decision.
When you ask any questions or express any concerns, be sure you are ready to listen and not just hear what you want to hear.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you, regardless of your decision.