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Originally Posted by *Dean*  I never ask if it's ok to buy something....I just do it.
Bad habit but I have learned that it's better to do this then ask if it's ok, she says no and I buy it anyway. I'm talking about my toys. Could be tools, golf clubs or my Harley which she doesn't approve of. |
While I might call this slightly inconsiderate of her wishes, I wouldn't call it secretive. You have the right to behave in an independent manner and sometimes, that means you will disagree with her about whether or not something is a reasonable purchase. Instead of "hiding" the purchase to avoid conflict, it would be better just to say, "I bought this thing and I know you're going to be angry about it, but this is one of those times when we can agree to disagree about whether or not it is a good choice. You don't have to concede to every one of her wishes, just take her wishes into account and let her know why you disagree. Sometimes, just the act of explaining to someone that you have taken their wishes into account goes a long way toward making that person feel better about the disagreement.
This isn't secrecy, though. Unless you guys have an explicit agreement about not buying something and then you go and buy it anyway and keep it a secret. But, in that case, I am guessing you may have agreed to something you didn't actually want to go through with just to avoid conflict. In that instance, it is usually better just to say "I don't agree that I should NOT buy that thing. I know you're going to be upset, but I'd rather be honest than passive aggressive so that you know you can trust me, even when we don't agree on things."
Of course, what happens in theory and in practice is not always the same.
Your purchases aren't disrespecting or devaluing your spouse and they aren't de-stabilizing your relationship, so...secret or private or not, they aren't dangerous. I think that is the big question when dealing with secrets -- who is being served by this secret? Is one person's interest being served at the expense of the relationship or just at the expense of disapproval? Shucking one's disapproval, no biggie; shucking one's vows....biggie.
