Originally Posted by gear1903
sad to say that i am moving from the CWI thread to this one. the background is here: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...
my wife has said she has given up the OM. i don't have concrete proof, but i believe her since she hasn't pulled any punches and she has no incentive to lie at this point. although she's giving up pursuing the EA, she has made clear that she is not ready to reconcile w/ me after so many years of hurt, and is moving to a different company office in a different country for a month to get away and gain some independence.
we've come to a point that the limbo and uncertainty is simply exhausting. i've made very clear my desire to reconcile but one can only bang their head against the wall so much. i've switched to 180 mode, but that seems to suit her just fine, as she feels less guilt about hurting me and probably enjoys the freedom (hence the move to Europe).
we've really boiled down our issues to three things: (i) physical intimacy was lacking, (ii) i've allowed my parents to control our lives too much, and (iii) we disagree on usage of money (i'm a saver, she's a spender). maybe it's the eternal optimist in me, but i think these can be addressed, and there is so much more in our relationship that has been working that to throw it away over these 'fixable' items seems like a shame. however, she thinks these differences are significant enough that she is not ready to reconsider right now.
the CWI forum has advised that i stay strong, that she has checked out, and that i go through with D papers immediately. i know she is fine with D, but perhaps being by herself and dating other guys will provide the wakeup call (not the actual act of filing the papers).
i wanted to get on this forum and get a sense for the experiences people have had that have gone through similar things and are now in the process of D. if you need any further background, please let me know and i'll be happy to oblige. thanks in advance for sharing. this site has been a godsend.
You know what an eternal optimist is right? Its the person that stands on the railroad tracks while the train is coming saying "I'll be ok". Don't be that person. Its weak and its silly. Two qualities that are NOT attractive.
So you think her dating other men will somehow lead her back to you? I would suggest that what you describe is a one sided open marriage. What does she lose in your scenario? She can play at the single life and have you as a fallback in case is doesn't work out. Where does that leave you...second choice, or third, or fourth, or...?
She can say whatever she wants but actions count. She had the affair and is unwilling to make amends. You need to show her with actions that there are consequences. If you file for divorce and she lets it happen she was already gone anyway. If you file and it serves as a wake up call for her then you may have a chance to salvage the relationship. Either way she is not with you in the marriage as it stands now. My advice to you is to tell her she can transfer to Europe is she wants but you will file for divorce immediately. Ideally I would have her served before she leaves. Maybe she would think twice about going. I believe this was a work affair correct? To R she should be quitting her job anyway, not jetting off to Europe. If she wants to save your marriage she needs to start working on it with you. Reconciliation takes two people to be successful.