Russell

To Whom it May Concern,
My name is Russ. And I have a very... off the wall... story to tell. Let me tell you this now, I am the blindest man to ever live on this earth we call home. Now let me tell you why.
In June of 1993, after a very disturbing relationship with a girl, I strated looking up some old school friends. Some of the people I intended to look up was the 'twins' in high school. I'll call them Jean and Jane, to protect thier identities so if anyone around Erie Pa reads this board. Well, I started spending a lot of time with Jean, and I noticed Jane became very jealous. That attracted me to her, a lot. Two years later, we were married. Ten days after we married, I left for the army.
We had a rough life in the army. My job seperated us more than anything else. Out of 8 years in the army, about 4 of them were spent away from Jane. I decided to get out after Bush wanted Iraqi oil fields for his own. We seperated from the army and now the real story begins.
I always had a fantasy about Jane sleeping with another man. She said the only way she could have sex with another man was if feelings were involved. Once in a while I would bring it up to her, and that was the response I got from her everytime. You should watch for what you wish for, you just might get it.
Jane and I enjoyed life a lot. Had a limited social life, but we didn't mind not going out or whatnot. We had a good life at home. I got a decent job at a local driving company where it toned my body very well. Jane liked this. I also had a drinking problem. I also played an online game called EverQuest. Jane and I played for a long time before she got pregnant. We had our first child 11 years into our marriage. We named him Thomas William, after my father. It is now 13 years into our marriage. And I got what I wanted. Between the drinking and the EQ, I started ignoring Jane. She tried telling me that she was feeling more distant from me, and thought we should see a marriage counselor. I didn't know what she was trying to tell me. She didn't come out and say I am falling out of love with you. Recently she has come to me with the news that she is having an affair. I have since quite drinking. I have also vowed to sell our EQ accts. I have no use for them. I have discvered many things about myself during the course of recent events.
I have found that all this was my fault if I had only known what she was trying to tell me. I have had five days sobre now, and I am noticing a lot more a bout life now. For starters, my son is a very good child. He has a smile that is amazing. My wife and I are now almost barely talking, and she knows that this has absolutely devastated me. I had no clue untill it was too late. I didn't see it coming. I have been also giving up smoking, and I finally have the strength to do it. I am more focused on what is important than ever in my life. My wife, she isn't noticing though. She feels that this is all a ploy just to get me back in her arms again. She doesn't know that it will just be for the rest of our lives. I know she still loves me. She hasn't kicked me out. And I am now feeling more in love with her than I ever have before.
She is torturing me. She knows this is driving me insane. Our roles are now 100% reversed. Today she spent a whole 2 hours with our son before she decided to take off to go see her boyfriend. Now I don't mind watching my son, but all the little things she did before, are now totally gone. She is going off on Tommy for no reason, treating me like I am already discarded, and the worst part of it is I work first shift and she works second. So today, I come home from doing things to get a new job, and she immediately takes off as soon as I got home. I have the job, just waiting on a start date. I told her the only way I am giving her a divorce is after two years. This way we both will know by then if our marriage is salvagable. Her boyfriend is attempting to goad me into a physical confrontation. If he ever hits me, he has no clue what he is gonna have done to him. I outweigh him and I am much stronger, by a long shot, and I can take a hit very well. I would absolutely demolish this guy because I am so fuelled by emotion. But I am not looking forward to a confrontation. I don't want to hurt anyone. Enough people have already been hurt through this.
The biggest of my concerns is our son. I know I will be getting laid off in the winter, so I would like to take Tommy for the school year. It will be nice having good quality time to spend with him. We havent discussed any of this, but she says she will never deny me the right to see him. And I told her the same, however I can not let another man raise my son. Its too much to bear.
I would also like to try to salvage our relationship. I know I have hurt her. I know that this is all my fault. I am very sincere with my love for Jane, and she means everything to me with Tommy. I call her Tommy's Mommy.
In the end, I have a feeling the ony outcome with this is going to be my death, dyeing from a broken heart and the lack of will to live. I never saw this coming. And I was the only one. But noone else said anything to me.
Am I just being selfish? Should I let her go? I know if I do she will be gone forever, and I will rot into eternity waiting for her return. The future looks very scary. So uncertain, so lifeless. And I now only see.... thats what she was going through before the affair. Please, I need someone to talk to as my only friend is the one that is doing this to me. I am feeling suicidal, and I don't know if I can make it through this without her help. My parents won't help me. They said I made my bed now lie in it. My finances are shattered. There is no way I am going to be able to afford rent, utilities, car and insurance payments. However I have to be able to provide a two bedroom place for my son. He will need a bed, I will need a bed. I have nothing.
Someone, please help me. I do not want our marriage to end. I am still very muchso in love with her and I know she still loves me. The question is how can I get her to see that through all that we've been through, feeling like the love we share may change, however I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me.

I've destroyed my life.

To quote "Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide."

__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.