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Paternity test information needed

17K views 48 replies 25 participants last post by  BarbedFenceRider 
#1 ·
Hello.

I am struggling to think clearly, so please forgive any typos / grammatical errors.

For many years, I have questioned my wifes faithfulness from early in our marriage. I have many reasons for this that I can get into when I am ready to write about it.

I have a child and I am the DAD. My child is getting ready to graduate high school so I have raised the child since birth. I will not give the gender of the child as I want to remain totally private while posting this.

Long story short. Early in our marriage I had many reason to believe my spouse was unfaithful. Dishonestly, lack of intimate relations, talking to other men on phone and lying about it, etc.

I have always wondered about my child being biologically mine. Now that my child is of legal age, I recently was able to obtain buccal swabs from her / him. I have the swabs in a very safe place and want to take a sample from myself and send both mine and my childs swabs in for paternity testing. THIS IS NOT FOR LEGAL PURPOSES, just for my own peace of mind. Furthermore, I think it is very important for everyone to know their genetic history.

So many times over the past 2+ decades I have put my head in the sand and lived in denial of the lies and actions of my wife. I am very angry at myself for not being more honest with MYSELF about the actions of my wife. Although I never had any proof of her infidelity, there was way too much smoke for there not to be a fire.

That being said, I have my childs samples, and obviously my samples can be readily obtained. I need to hide the fact that I am paying for this to be done to avoid and problems at home. My wife has access to our banking information and she knows normally how much cash I have in my wallet. I need ideas on how I can prevent her from finding out what I am paying to have done (the paternity test). It is difficult for me to think rationally while researching this subject.

If anyone can recommend a company to use, please let me know. It appears that these tests can be done for under 100.00.

Regardless of the outcome, I am the DAD! I will let my child graduate before letting her / him know if they are not biologically mine. I hope to goodness I am wrong about my instincts.
 
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#42 ·
I never asked her to do so and when I have some spare time, I will elaborate on what all I did to investigate. She lied about being on the phone with friends or family when in reality she was talking to other dudes. Still makes me mad to think about it...after twenty years lol.
 
#43 ·
I could not help but lol @ your comment. You're right, I need counseling but just don't feel like it's that big of a deal anymore. A divorce, idk - hard to say. We both have good jobs, good kids, house almost paid for etc.. Who knows really.

I had a childhood where my dad left when I was 10-11 and I did not see him until I was 18-19. He lived all over the place (running from child support and the law). Would call in every few months and promise me he'd be seeing me "next week". Obviously I counted on seeing him and kept thinking he would show up, but he never did. It did a royal **** job on my outlook on life and I'm sure that's why I trust so very few people. A good thing he taught me by doing this to me is how to spot lies. He's pushing up daisies now and I don't really care much. He was not a good dad and was a well know liar although at such a young age, I had no idea. His dishonesty is why my mom divorced him.

Wow, writing that brings up so many negative emotions tbh. Is it world ending, not at all - it just hurts to remember.
 
#48 ·
OP, you are not alone. We may never know the full truth about what happened with our SO back in the "dark years". For all I know, my W could have been butt naked, getting banged in the rear by the OM in the middle of the fountain in the town square!

We will never know the full truth, and by accepting to let them stay in our lives we never will.
 
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#49 ·
I suppose for me, as my "issue" only happened last year around November, it is entirely different. But some parallels has been made. The feeling that she betrayed you, regardless of the 20 year difference is just semantics. She WAS NOT faithful to you. Mine was NOT to me. If OP's WW is texting other men at night and OP isn't allowed to see the texts, then fidelity was broken. Maybe it wasn't a "deal breaker" back then, but it has tarnished the marriage going forward. Just like mine.

The difference is I have told my wife as much. My wife didn't go all the way into full-blown rutting and sneaking around with another guy ( in this case, her supervisor...)
But she had an entirely inappropriate relationship that was the scuttlebutt of the place she worked and was "actively" hidden from me....Until, the jackass guy ended up calling her cell phone in the middle of the night while she was passed out! That is the loss of fidelity. And like many others, you just cannot take it back. Where I used to hold my marriage up as a shining example to live to, I now have relegated it to the mediocrity and happenstance. It is a shame.

By finding out that you ARE the bio parent for your kids is a little soothing. But alas, it is just one box checked in a litany of question marks left by your "wife". By admitting to yourself that she DID cheat, and clearly you mark it in the sand for your relationship going forward...You will have a sense of grounding. I do believe that counseling for yourself will give you a good "tool belt" to work from and give confidence in your life looking back and looking forward as well. I feel, that your feelings are very warranted, and it should be something that your wife can empathize with you. You took those vows all those years ago, and they meant something different from the both of you. You may want to "renew" those vows and start with a blank slate. Any chance you have talked with her and the lies she was caught in. Not in a accusatory way, but in a matter of fact way of discussion?
 
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