| | Re: Husbands ex gf's still coming up in marraige ADVICE PLEASE!!!
You and your husband are both very young, it is obvious from the behavior on both sides. You both have a lot of maturing to do...it will come in time.
You have been married for 8 months and have an infant. Your husband is acting like he's still single whenever he feels like it, and you are accepting this behavior. He is possibly feeling like he married too young, or not for the right reasons, or is finding the demands of living an adult/married life too stressful for his liking.
You need to sit down and do some serious thinking ALONE:
a.) IF your husband truly changed his behavior (and you could see/feel it), would you still want to remain married to him for the next 40 years? Consider ALL of his good/bad points. Think long-term.
b.) IF your husband did NOT change his behavior, would you still want to remain married to him for the next 40 years? (for your child, for religious reasons, for whatever reasons) Again, consider all his good/bad points and think long-term.
If you answered 'yes' to (a), then you need marriage counseling.
If you answered 'no' to (a), then you need a divorce.
If you answered 'yes' to (b), then you need marriage counseling.
If you answered 'no' to (b), then you need a divorce.
That being said, if you chose Marriage Counseling you need to understand that without your husband's full and serious participation and commitment to MC, your marriage will not succeed. YOU cannot change your husband's behavior, only HE can. You cannot LOVE him into changing his behavior. You cannot CRY him into changing his behavior. You cannot GUILT him into changing his behavior. You cannot DEMAND him into changing his behavior. HIS behavior is out of YOUR hands. Realize, also, that MC will help you see where YOUR behaviors have been unacceptable or unrealistic or immature. None of us is perfect and 'you cannot fix what you don't acknowledge.'
If you chose Divorce, you do not need your husband's participation or commitment to it in most states. Many states are 'no fault' which means that you do not have to have a specific reason (he's an adulterer, he's physically abusive, he uses drugs, etc.), you can just say, "I want a divorce." Google "states with no-fault divorce" and see if your state is listed.
Time to speak to your husband. Give him some warning (a few hours? a day?) so he has time to collect his thoughts.
Sit down with him calmly when there are NO DISTRACTIONS. Baby asleep, no tv, no phones (if they ring, agree that they'll be ignored until the discussion is finished.)
Tell him that you have been doing some serious thinking about your marriage. Tell him about ALL of your concerns. And don't just dump on him. Admit to your failings (not the least of which is saying you'll leave if he doesn't stop interacting with all the girls and then NOT leaving....you have been threatening him. That is NOT the same as setting boundaries.)
Ask him to tell you what HIS concerns are. Don't 'lead' him (are you feeling like this? are you worried about that?), let HIM tell you what's on his mind. It might not be what you thought it would be. Ask for clarification if you don't understand something. Ask if he has any questions for you.
Reach a conclusion.
If you both want MC, great. Make an appointment and get busy.
If you both want a divorce, make some calls. Start working on a budget for the divorce and making 2 households work.
If one of you wants MC and the other wants Divorce, you can try a separation (one of you physically moves out of the house) for a limited period of time (3 mos, 6 mos) and see if your feelings change. Or you will have to go for a divorce because if the one who does NOT want MC is unwilling to try, the other spouse cannot single-handedly save the marriage.