Originally Posted by Deejo
Forcing him to get help - won't help. Which is fine if you want to move away from one another.
A good start would simply be to let him know that he frightened you and what should the ground-rules be to avoid either of you feeling that overwhelmed again.
So what are you arguing about so frequently?
Similar circumstance occured between my ex-wife and I when we were separated. We were arguing, and she told me to get out. I refused. She tried to leave the room and I wouldn't let her. It became apparent after that moment she was frightened. She believed that I intended to harm her - which was never the case, but both of us had crossed the threshold of reason and no longer had the ability to listen, or respond to, what the other was saying.
So come up with rules.
- If it gets angry we end it
- set guidelines for what exactly you need to address, don't pull in other crap.
- Each outline the disagreement from the perspective of the other - that way you both understand the others position.
She truly believed that I was going to beat the crap out of her. It never crossed my mind, but I felt terrible that's what she thought.
I behaved the way I did out of frustration. I'm guessing your husband did the same. Pulling a knife and making a threatening gesture is incredibly stupid - but did you really truly believe that he wanted to harm you? Has he ever physically abused you previously?
No, I don't believe that he would truly hurt me. He has slapped me on the face 2 or 3 times during a heated argument, but not that hard. But then again, who knows if he does loose control once. The advice you give is well worth thinking about and applying. I need to learn to end it when it gets heated. But even then, many things in the relationship won't be sorted out. For example: After a hard day taking care of the family and household, I told my husband that I wanted to go out for a little while in the evening for a cup of coffee or a drink and if he wanted to come. He agreed, but when I came downstairs at 10:00, he still wasn't ready and was sitting in front of his computer. His answer was: You were upstairs and I didn't know that you still wanted to go out. But he knew it, because I only dress in good clothes and put make up on when I want to go out. I was pretty disappointed that he said that he would go out with me, instead of saying honeslty that he didn't feel like it.
Another disagreement was today: I told him that I needed to discuss a matter concerning the household and couldn't wait. He said okay, I just needed to give him 2 minutes. 2 minutes turned out to be a half hour and even then he couldn't give me his attention. Me waiting for him caused my whole day to be disrupted. I told him that I had a tight schedule with appointments that I needed to be on time for, and I felt a lot of disrespect on his part. He didn't have any appointments that he needed to be on time for, but still made me wait so long for him. I could have made the decision myself, but he wanted to discuss this matter together as well. I had no time to eat lunch although I shopped for it in the morning, put the 6 bags of groceries away and cooked it (all within 2 hours!) and ran out to make the appointment. I thought, okay it's over with, and just looked forward to having my lunch at 3:00 o'clock to discover that he didn't leave me a plate of food. And so more frustrations built up between us. Even last night was our 20th anniversary, and I had to make the dinner reservation myself, since he never takes it upon himself to do it. I also had to make sure he got into the shower so that we'd be on time, but allin all it wasn't so bad, and turned out to be a nice evening.
So I think your advice about ending it when it gets angry is good advice, but this still doesn't make me feel understood. I feel as if I spend all the time understanding him and the children, but sometimes it would be nice if he could respect my feelings more. I think I will try counseling. I'm sure he won't go in the beginning and will deny that there is a problem, but maybe with time he will change his mind. Thanks for the good advice!