BrokenFrag

I know. I felt some peace last night after talking to my wife's mother for several hours. My wife has struggled with depression and anxiety since she was a child. In the past when she lashed out or hit bottom, I was able to be there to pick her up and help her get on her feet. This time, though, she lashed out in the worst way. It wasn't just the affair, it was how deeply and completely she let him into her heart. She let him in so far that there was no longer room for me. If she really had wanted a new life, she could have had one. Did she really have to destroy the one she had in order to do it? She burned the bridge that she was on as she crossed it even though she had no idea where it would take her.

At this point I have finally accepted that she and I have no shot at reconciliation. Last night she finally called me first (I always have to call if I want to talk), and told me that she is finally starting to understand how badly she hurt me. She will never truly understand the pain she has caused, but it was good to hear that she is finally able to feel again. She also is beginning to understand just how destructive she has been to herself. Instead of making justifications for what she has done (when she really had no idea what she was doing), she is finally starting to see just how much and completely she has destroyed her life. All for what? Some passion and some poetry?

Of course, I cry for myself and everything that I needlessly lost, and of course, I am terrified to be alone for the first time in my life, but my soul cries even more for her. She needs so much help. Emotional, spritual, and most likely psychiatric help. Will she ever see that? Will anyone else in her life ever see that? Only her mother and I see the total history of her unhappiness. Her friends sit idly by encouraging her to follow her heart, not knowing that it is defective. Not only has she thrown away her 8 year marriage and the foundations of a family that she so desperately wants, but she may have thrown away her career. The one thing that brought her solace through this all. The rumor mill is quite powerful in the government, and once it gets out that she had an affair with a coworker, she could get fired. Being trustworthy and having personal integrity is a huge deal in the department of defense. She has proven that she would compromise those qualities for some poetry. How can she be trusted with some of the nation's most important secrets?

I fear that if I don't help her find herself that she will have nothing left. She isn't strong. I fear she would really hurt herself. She has threatened to in the past.

Or maybe, she will wake up today, feeling nothing. She will go through her day and arbitrarily pick the path that she wants to walk, consequences be damned. She has it in her.

I have given up on my hopes of a happy marriage with her, but it is so, so hard to give up on her.