Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

chester · 07-10-2009, 09:49 AM

Hi, I'm not a frequent user of forums and message boards but, I have spent the better part of the last 2 days reading messages on this board and I am desperate for someone to talk to. I have been married for 13 years. My wife and I have two wonderful boys.

About a month ago, I suspected my wife was having an affair of some sort. We have been having some marital problems lately and I sensed that something was not right. I really wasnt sure as I never suspected anything like this before and as I have never cheated on anyone either as a bachelor or as a husband, I really wasnt sure what the signs were. This past sunday, my wife returned from an out of town trip and was very upset about something when she got home. I felt that "something" happened and I asked her if she was having an affair. Initially she denied it but, finally admitted to it. She explained that it was an emotional affair and nothing more than that. My wife denies having any type of physical relationship with this man but, I am having trouble believing her. I'm not really sure what actually happened to make her upset. I kind of get the impression that she wanted to have a physical relationship but, the guy didnt. I'm just not sure and frankly, it doesnt really matter.

I love my wife dearly. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman and I cannot imagine not being married to her and having her as my partner for the rest of my life. I feel somewhat responsible for her affair. Although I am a loyal husband and father, am reasonably attractive, and have a professional career that provides a nice salary, I am far from an ideal husband. I have struggled with persistant mild depression my whole life. Most people would not suspect that I am depressed as I function pretty well however, one of the manifestations of my depression is that I am not a real emotional person and tend to build an emotional wall around myself. This has been an issue in my marriage for many years as my wife has always felt that I do not let her get "close" to me. She has begged me to seek professional help and said that she feels emotionally cut off from me. She even warned me several times over the years that she was afraid she would seek the emotional relationship from someone else if I could not provide it. I guess she finally hit her breaking point and this is why I feel responsible in part for the affair.

Long story short, after finding out about the affair, I was devasted and just fell apart. I made an appointment with a therapist and had my first appointment the following day. My wife and I have continued to talk and I am optimistic that we can get through this and I can save my marriage by working with a therapist and truly try to address my depression and my issues. I do want to address my depression for the first time in my life as I need to be healthy to try and save my marriage as well as myself. Even if things do not work out, I need to be mentally able to be a good father and focus on my future. My wife has said that she ended the affair as she felt so guilty when she saw how devastated I was. She has been apologetic and remorseful and seems willing to try and work things out.

Here is where I am struggling: I want to believe that my wife has ended the affair and is willing to give me a chance to be a better husband. However, the pessimist in me wonders if my wife is just saying this so that I dont leave. My wife has not worked in 13 years, we have a nice home and our kids go to private school. We are not wealthy but, have a comfortable life and I think my wife realizes that if we were to divorce, her lifestyle would change, we could no longer to afford private school, etc... Also, I sense that she may be in love with this guy she was seeing and I'm not sure if she can truly break off the relationship.

I apologize for the length of this. I do not have any friends that I would be comfortable discussing this with and am just desperate to talk to someone. My next therapist appointment is not until next Weds and I just need to try and make some sense of this and am hopeful that you nice people can offer some support or suggestions as you have been through this yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to read all this and I sincerely appreciate any responses.

07-10-2009, 09:49 AM	#1 (permalink)
chester Registered User Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 2	Looking for help Hi, I'm not a frequent user of forums and message boards but, I have spent the better part of the last 2 days reading messages on this board and I am desperate for someone to talk to. I have been married for 13 years. My wife and I have two wonderful boys. About a month ago, I suspected my wife was having an affair of some sort. We have been having some marital problems lately and I sensed that something was not right. I really wasnt sure as I never suspected anything like this before and as I have never cheated on anyone either as a bachelor or as a husband, I really wasnt sure what the signs were. This past sunday, my wife returned from an out of town trip and was very upset about something when she got home. I felt that "something" happened and I asked her if she was having an affair. Initially she denied it but, finally admitted to it. She explained that it was an emotional affair and nothing more than that. My wife denies having any type of physical relationship with this man but, I am having trouble believing her. I'm not really sure what actually happened to make her upset. I kind of get the impression that she wanted to have a physical relationship but, the guy didnt. I'm just not sure and frankly, it doesnt really matter. I love my wife dearly. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman and I cannot imagine not being married to her and having her as my partner for the rest of my life. I feel somewhat responsible for her affair. Although I am a loyal husband and father, am reasonably attractive, and have a professional career that provides a nice salary, I am far from an ideal husband. I have struggled with persistant mild depression my whole life. Most people would not suspect that I am depressed as I function pretty well however, one of the manifestations of my depression is that I am not a real emotional person and tend to build an emotional wall around myself. This has been an issue in my marriage for many years as my wife has always felt that I do not let her get "close" to me. She has begged me to seek professional help and said that she feels emotionally cut off from me. She even warned me several times over the years that she was afraid she would seek the emotional relationship from someone else if I could not provide it. I guess she finally hit her breaking point and this is why I feel responsible in part for the affair. Long story short, after finding out about the affair, I was devasted and just fell apart. I made an appointment with a therapist and had my first appointment the following day. My wife and I have continued to talk and I am optimistic that we can get through this and I can save my marriage by working with a therapist and truly try to address my depression and my issues. I do want to address my depression for the first time in my life as I need to be healthy to try and save my marriage as well as myself. Even if things do not work out, I need to be mentally able to be a good father and focus on my future. My wife has said that she ended the affair as she felt so guilty when she saw how devastated I was. She has been apologetic and remorseful and seems willing to try and work things out. Here is where I am struggling: I want to believe that my wife has ended the affair and is willing to give me a chance to be a better husband. However, the pessimist in me wonders if my wife is just saying this so that I dont leave. My wife has not worked in 13 years, we have a nice home and our kids go to private school. We are not wealthy but, have a comfortable life and I think my wife realizes that if we were to divorce, her lifestyle would change, we could no longer to afford private school, etc... Also, I sense that she may be in love with this guy she was seeing and I'm not sure if she can truly break off the relationship. I apologize for the length of this. I do not have any friends that I would be comfortable discussing this with and am just desperate to talk to someone. My next therapist appointment is not until next Weds and I just need to try and make some sense of this and am hopeful that you nice people can offer some support or suggestions as you have been through this yourself. Thank you for taking the time to read all this and I sincerely appreciate any responses.