seibert253

Trust? But verify.

Be truthful with your wife and lay it all on the line. Just tell her; I want to believe and trust you but right now I can't.


You need to be strong, loving, but also forceful in what she needs to do to repair this damage. Here's a template you may wish to use:
-Honey I love you with all my heart and soul, if I didn't, you would be finding someplace else to live right now.
-I love you, but right now I'm going to be honest, I do not trust you, and I want to believe you, but I can't.
-With everything that's happened, I still want to be your husband and I want you to be my wife. But in order for this to happen, we both need 100% committment to and from each other.
-I've seen my misgivings and mistakes, and I'm doing things to fix these. I expect the same from you.
-But, in order for me to trust and believe you again, there needs to be some committments from you:
1. You are to end and never, ever, have any contact with the OM. (make her call him and tell him, with you listening to both ends of the conversation). (If she can't call, watch her send him an email).
2. I need complete honesty about this affair and what occurred. Now is your only opportunity to TELL ME EVERYTHING. If later on down the road I find you've not been honest with me, or you convienently left out details, our marriage is over and I will be filing for divorce. I will not give you a second chance to be honest.
3. I need complete transparency to what's going on in your life. I will not spy on you, but I expect you to be open about your cell phone and computer use. If I ask to look at them, please don't take this the wrong way, I need to do this to regain trust. I really want to trust you, and this will help me to do that.
4. This is going to take a team effort as far as counseling. We need to attend MC to fix the issues which lead us to where we are at.

None of these are negotable and let her know this. If she is remorseful, and wants to remain marriaged to you, she will readily agree to all of this. If she doesn't agree to ALL, do not hesitate. Contact and attorney and have D. papers drawn.

You need to be strong. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She will probably blame you for this but THIS WAS HER CHOICE, YOU HAD NO SAY IN THE MATTER. Make sure she understands this. Let her know that no matter how disfunctional your marriage became, you would never hurt her the way she hurt you.

Like an earlier poster brought up. You need to verify her intent. Install a keylogger on any computers she uses, get detailed billing of her phone/text logs.

You need to be prepared to pull the trigger if she backpedals in anyway.

Another note, do you know who the other man is. If you don't she needs to tell you. You may get the, "well he's out of my life now""it's now important who he is" YES IT IS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. How are you going to verify if she's having contact with the OM if you do not know who he is.

Also, if they work together, she finds another job. No compromise on this either.

If the OM is married or involved in a committed relationship, don't you think his significant other deserves to know about his actions? Tell them. Another great way to insure your wife never has contact with him again.

You have a lot of work to do and I know your mind is moving 1000miles an hour. But I can tell you this from experience, showing her with love and "showing" her the great husband you are will do nothing but push her farther away. You need to appear slightly distant from her. This will show her you are ready to move on, with or without her.
You can do this. Keep up updated.
peace and God Bless